


After the End

by GoatofGehenna



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Adventure, After, After Impact, Angst, End of Evangelion, F/M, Friendship, Gore, Romance, Sex, Survival, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-14 14:42:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10538607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoatofGehenna/pseuds/GoatofGehenna
Summary: Asuka and Shinji wake up in a time that shouldn't be--the world after Third Impact. Set directly after the movie End of Evangelion. A struggle for survival. May contain detailed graphic content. Work in progress.





	1. To Need Another

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, story or any of the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion or End of Evangelion. This story is purely for fan appreciation and no money is being made from this story.
> 
> Setting: Set directly after the movie End of Evangelion so it is advisable that you have seen NGE in it's entirety and the movie EoE before reading this FanFiction.
> 
> Thank you and Enjoy!

“How Disgusting”  
The sound of Asuka’s voice, distant and bitter, broke through the layer of numbness in this new world. 

Shinji’s head was pressed into Asuka’s chest, right under her breasts. His legs are spread, straddling her limp body that’s melted into a sea of fine, white sand. She felt him on top of her now, an annoying weight, growing steadily heavier on her weak body. Shinji’s face is raw from crying. He knows he should lift himself off of her but he can’t find the strength to force his body to move. After several minutes he slumped to the side of her and crumpled next to her on the ground. Asuka can hear her own heart beating in her ears, she can hear her own breathing and Shinji’s--both calm and even now. She felt as if her fingers on her right hand were being pricked with thousands of tiny needles. Her lips are chapped and her throat is dry. 

“You know about everything… don’t you?”

Shinji peered over at Asuka, barely tilting his head to see her face. She’s staring up at the sky with a blank expression. He wondered for a moment if he might have imagined her having said anything at all. 

“Yes,” Shinji whispered back, his voice filled with regret. 

They are both silent for several minutes--the sound of water crashing against a shore can be heard in the distance. Slowly Shinji sat up. 

“A-Asuka...Asuka…I’m sorry.” 

Asuka moved her eyes to rest on Shinji. He’s stared up at her and they make eye contact. After a moment of silence Shinji looks away, folding in on himself, his arms wrapping around his knees and his head burying inside of them. Asuka eventually pulled herself into a sitting position, groaning as she moved, her arms shaking as she forces herself upright. A strong pain shot through her right arm as she leaned on it, and she breathes in sharply through her teeth, exhaling loudly. She struggled to stand on her feet. She can barely stand once she’s up, her legs incredibly weak from her time spent in comatose and the injuries she sustained before the impact. She grunts, attempting to walk, her kneecaps folded and her legs give out on her. She collapses onto the ground with a startled gasp, her arms catching her fall. Shinji stood up easily and moved over to Asuka, looking down on her. He puts out his hand, offering to help her stand. Hesitantly she takes it, and struggles again to get on her feet. Once she’s up, Shinji put his arm around her body, supporting most of her weight and helped her walk to the edge of the shore. Once they’re at the water’s edge he lets go of her slowly, she falls onto the ground again, sitting upright. Before them is a very large, melting head of a familiar comrade--Rei Ayanami. Something about Rei’s face looked off though, it looked slightly masculine in nature, making it appear androgynous. The face is like a huge corpse, rotting into the Red Sea that’s melting it like acid. It’s truly frightening.

As they stare out into the foaming red waters, their minds drift into previous events--Instrumentality--it feels like a dream. They have survived the gates of hell and come out on the other side, completely and utterly alone. Asuka becomes acutely aware of the annoyance of hunger subsiding in her abdomen through the general soreness plaguing her body, but she ignores it. 

“Is this it...is this the end...to fight through hell to end up here?” Asuka wondered aloud. 

Shinji looked down at her, feeling a pang of guilt as he stares at her broken body. He doesn’t answer her.  
Eventually, she decides the hunger is enough and gives into it, struggling again to get on her feet. Shinji gasps, shocking himself out of his trance and moves quickly to help Asuka up. She gives him a dirty look but regrettably accepts the help a second time. 

“I have to eat,” she announces. “I’m not dying a pitiful death after I’ve come this far.”

Shinji realized then that he can’t remember when he ate his last meal, though the familiar pain of hunger hadn’t hit him yet.  
Asuka attempts to walk on her own again, Shinji let her stumble about four feet away before rushing to her side to catch her fall. She grumbles about not needing his help while using his body to support herself. Asuka was not fond of the idea of needing to depend on Shinji for anything, much less a task as simple as walking. 

As they walked Shinji had to wonder how Asuka was feeling at this moment--he had a lot questions running through his mind after what he learned from Instrumentality. He knew Asuka had to be feeling sorely humiliated. He felt guilty for what she’d seen during Instrumentality and wondered if she thought even worse of him now than she did before. She did seem uncharacteristically quiet though ever since reawakening on the beach. 

They walked for what felt like hours but it was hard to get a grasp on time or reality for the sky never changed and their surroundings remained relatively similar in every direction--pure, white sand, red frothing water, huge corpse remnants of the supernatural beasts of Third Impact scattered along the coastline. The longer they walked the weaker and more irritable Asuka became. She started panting--breathing in and out so heavily she seemed to be getting dizzy and having difficulty holding herself up. Shinji tripped over a small dip in the ground, staggering but quickly regaining composure. Asuka groaned loudly, seeming to be clenching her teeth and in some amount of pain. Shinji took a step forward preparing to continue the journey, becoming quite hungry and irritable himself, frustrated at the unchanging landscape--they could be walking in circles for all he knew. As Shinji started to walk again Asuka cried out, losing her grip on Shinji and falling onto the ground. Her whole body crashes into the ground, landing on her bandaged arm, as she doesn’t have the time to brace her fall. She moans in pain at the impact, and lays on the ground, motionless.

“Asuka!” Shinji grabs Asuka’s good hand and pulls at it roughly, afraid if she stays down on the ground she’ll give up and start succumbing to death. “We have to keep going Asuka--we can’t stay here, we have to find food, we have to keep going…”

She mumbles something so quietly that Shinji has to ask her to repeat it.

“I said, shut up!” She repeats, louder, angrier. 

Her voice sounds like she’s on the verge of crying but also on the verge of exploding. Shinji stares down at her feeling frustrated himself, at the situation and at his growing hunger. 

“Let me carry you,” He insists.

Asuka seems surprised by such a bold statement from him. 

“No, I can do this.. I have to walk on my own, I can’t depend on you or you’ll start thinking you have authority over me,” She hisses. 

“Asuka, you’re weak.. you should be in the hospital recovering, but instead you’re out here with me in the middle of nowhere trying to survive. You need to let me help you...please.” Shinji couldn’t believe his own words, no doubt it was the hunger he felt speaking.

Asuka curses in german, not wanting to accept the reality of the situation. Shinji bends down, fully prepared to be slapped, but instead easily gathers Asuka into his arms. 

“Don’t get any weird ideas,” Asuka grumbles under her breath.

“I...I won’t.”

Shinji now has Asuka on his back, she’s barely holding onto him, her eyes half closed. She’s so hungry she’s becoming nauseous. After sometime of walking they begin to notice they’re approaching a black sliver of road on the ground, partially covered by sand. Shinji follows it in the hopes that it’ll lead to something larger, like a house or a store. As he follows it the road begins to open up, becoming wider. He wonders, for a moment if he’s walking onto a highway but he notices a black blob in the distance. He realizes it’s a small building, now collapsed in on itself on one side. Shinji feels a glimmer of hope at the sight. He approaches it and climbs over the rubble in the doorway into the small building carefully. It looks like at one time this place was a convenience store--the interior walls of the building are lined with shelves with glass doors, some cracked or shattered. The floor of the store is littered with debris and large slates of what appears to be destroyed, wooden stocking shelves. Shinji lets Asuka down onto the ground, onto a cleared area of the linoleum floor. She sighs, exacerbated and lays down on her back, her left arm coming across her forehead to rest right over her eyes. Shinji is shuffling through the debris, digging, tossing fallen pieces of the structure of the place to the side of him. He sees something glimmering under the rubble in the very dim light from the full moon outside. He reaches down into the debris, relief washing over him at the feeling of a very familiar object under his hand. He pulls out a water bottle, covered in dust and cracks it open, drinking some immediately. It’s not cold by any means, and the water tastes of plastic but as it fills his mouth it feels cool and sweet. He pulls it away from his mouth after only a few fast gulps, catching his breath. He turns, looking over at Asuka.

“Hey, it’s not food but...it’s something...don’t drink too much though, we need to save as much of this as we can, who knows when we’ll find clean water again.” 

He holds the bottle out to Asuka. She moves her arm away from her one good eye, peering over at Shinji. She huffs, and sits up as quickly as her body will allow her to. Shinji watches her take the bottle, pop the lid and drink it quickly. She has this disgusted look on her face, clearly not pleased with the stale, sour taste of the water, but at least the water is clear and not contaminated by LCL or blood. After she finishes she hands the bottle back to Shinji and wipes her mouth. 

“Have you found any food?” 

“Not yet...but I’m still looking.”

“Hurry, I’m about to start losing my shit,” Asuka growls.

Shinji puts the bottle down and keeps digging, starting to get frantic when he can’t find anything but crumbs too small to gain any sustenance from. He walks around the store, growing weary at the unhappy realization that there’s nothing they can eat here. 

“What’s taking so long?” Asuka asks, sounding agitated.

“I can’t find anything,” Shinji groans, becoming frustrated himself. 

He wished Asuka weren’t so weak and could be more helpful to him. He felt like he might as well have been alone, and that maybe if he were alone it would have been better because at least then he wouldn’t have to share anything he did find or waste his energy carrying her. 

“Seriously Shinji? We’re in a food store and you can’t find any food? Are you actually an incompetent idiot?” She barks. 

“Well, I don’t see you helping! Leaving me to do all the work and then complaining about the job I’m doing? I should leave you...I bet you won’t last a few hours without me!” Shinji shouts, forcefully throwing the debris he was digging through against the wall. 

He knew Asuka wouldn’t admit to being too weak to help or incapable of doing something. She glared at him, with a look so intense it might have otherwise made him cower if the circumstances had been less dire. She pulled herself back up again, tightening her jaw to avoid crying out in pain. She looked furious.

“I don’t need you!” She hissed through her teeth.

“Okay...fine!” Shinji, snatched the water bottle, turning for the exit. “Let’s see how long you last without me then!” He stomps right through the door, leaving Asuka alone in the building. 

Asuka watches him leave, her eyes narrowed. She laughs to herself, bitterly, knowing it wouldn’t be long before Shinji came crawling back to her, helpless and lonely. Asuka turns her attention to the room, using her good arm to dig through the piles of rubble around her. After a few minutes of luckless searching she falls against a countertop, clutching her stomach in pain. She feels like gagging but there’s nothing inside of her to vomit out. She’s breathing heavily and cursing under her breath. 

“Scheiße! Why do I have to be like this now? I hate this...I look so weak...I wish this damn body would just heal already, it’s really pissing me off!” 

Outside Shinji is stomping along the pathway, the building becoming a small grey, shadow behind him. His fist tightens around the water bottle he’s holding, the thin plastic crackling loudly but not breaking under the pressure of his grip.

“Why does she always have to be so difficult?” 

He turns around for a moment, walking backwards, staring at the black blur in the distance--the building he left Asuka in. He wonders for a moment if he made a good decision by leaving Asuka alone. Would she survive with her injuries? Maybe if things got desperate enough she’d seek him out or she’d die being stubborn. He had to turn his back on her, he had to move on. 

If he let her control him he’d become her slave.

(To Be Continued...)


	2. Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a fight, Asuka and Shinji part ways, left to survive alone in the devastation of post Third Impact. Is solitude really what they imagined it would be? Follow Asuka and Shinji as they struggle to survive alone in an unfamiliar world. 
> 
> POV switches in this chapter between Shinji and Asuka.

Back in the building Asuka had composed herself. Regrettably she also realized there was no food here, she burned at the memory of Shinji taking their only source of clean water with him. She’d just have to find her own food, water and shelter, with no help from the idiot. 

She climbs out of the building, gripping the wall tightly for support. She stares out into the horizon, motionless...a clear black sky dotted with stars, miles of glimmering white sand reflecting off of the moonlight, a red haze looming over the edge of the horizon. The sky looked so huge and close, it felt like a ceiling she could reach out and touch. 

No sign of Shinji anywhere. Staring out at the barren landscape, hearing nothing but her own breathing and the very distant sound of crashing waves Asuka suddenly realized the devastation Third Impact had left them with. For the first time in her life she was completely alone in the world. There was no one to impress and no one to hate. There was no passing of time. This was a world frozen in the aftermath of the end of all life--a time that shouldn’t have been. She shouldn’t be here, but she is. Where is everyone else? How could only her and Shinji have survived the cataclysmic hell that was Third Impact? Asuka thought, stumbling down the black roadway, that there must be others like her out here. It’s just not possible that for the billions of humans on Earth everyone could have perished but her and Shinji. She took some comfort in the idea that she was alone now but it also filled her with a terrible feeling of dread. She felt her lips going numb and her fingertips prickling as if the circulation was being cut off from them. She felt sick and dizzy, her heart pounding loudly, filling her ears until it was all that she could hear. Her mouth tasted sour. 

She realizes she’s having a panic attack.

 

As Shinji walks, slower now, his mind trails back to the memory of Instrumentality. It felt like some long, horrible dream. It felt like a nightmare in which he was aware that he was having the dream but unable to wake himself from it, until, finally he did only to be met with a real nightmare--reality. He can hear Asuka’s voice screaming in his head.

“God you’re annoying...just the sight of you makes me irritated!”

He wonders why she hates him so much and why she hates herself so much. Asuka doesn’t have much about her that’s dislikable aside from her inflated ego and her brash language. She’s beautiful, she’s smarter than all her peers, she’s nicely filled out for her age and also quite fit--even now, despite the weeks she spent starving herself leading up to Third Impact and despite all of the injuries she'd sustained. He recalls a memory from Instrumentality that he doesn’t recognize--a rusty shower head above him, dripping a brown, frosty liquid...the cold, porcelain walls of an old bathtub tightening the space around his body as he lays inside it…

The tub feels like it’s caked with a layer of grime. He’s vaguely aware of the shallow, lukewarm liquid in the tub. His wrists are burning--a sharp, hot pain intensifies in his forearms. They ache so badly he wants to cry out. He feels his lips going numb and the smell of rust fills his chest. It feels like he’s peed on himself. His legs and arms feel weak now too--he’s unable to lift them. The shower head drips on his chest, the water droplet running down into the concave of his stomach. He feels overwhelmed with drowsiness and wants nothing more than to close his eyes and never wake back up. 

He looks down at himself, at the sloping breasts on his chest and at the matted, copper hair falling over them. He realizes then that he’s in Asuka’s mind--this must be her memory. But when was this? Her legs look so thin and pale. He can see the outlines of all of her bones and each of the veins and the bruises under her delicate skin. He can see new and old scars, lacerated into the thickest areas of her inner thighs. These scars were high enough up that her school uniform easily covered them. He saw a hot, thick stream of blood running over her body, floating into the water in between her thighs. He looked over at her wrist, fallen to her side in the tub. His stomach turns when he sees the huge, deep razor cuts in her flesh. He realizes then that she’d also tried to end her life. She meant to die alone here--to disappear from the world slowly and painfully. He felt her leaning her head back, her eyes staring up at the blue sky, vaguely aware of it’s existence. He heard her voice, hoarse and barely audible, leaving through her lips. 

“Sync ratio zero… I can’t be the Second Child anymore… I have no reason left to live…”

His vision started blurring then. He couldn’t tell if it was because she was crying or because her life was leaving her body. He felt an incredible amount of pain in his chest… what was this pain--this incredible feeling of sadness cutting through the numbness? It felt so similar to how he’d felt when he’d also attempted to end his life. 

This was true loneliness.

As the memory started to dissipate he could hear the voice of a man calling out for Asuka, announcing that he’d located the Second Child. 

Shinji came back to the present. 

He realized then that he was sitting but didn’t remember deciding to do so. His arms were hugging his legs tightly to his chest.

“Oh Asuka… we’re really fucked up aren’t we?”

He leans back, looking up at the sky. 

“Maybe I should go back to her…” He whispers.

He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. He stays there on the ground for a moment longer before gathering himself onto his feet again. He stares towards the direction he came and wonders if he would even have a chance at finding Asuka if he turned back now. She had probably moved on somewhere and he had no idea of in which direction she’d gone. He starts to think, being with her and taking her ridicule would be better than being alone like this. When he’s alone all he can think are of bad memories. 

“She’ll be pissed if she realizes I separated from her and then came back without any food…” 

He turns back around and keeps walking forward. His legs are aching. He must have been walking for a few hours by now, but he pushes onwards, trying to ignore the pain of hunger and the feeling of exhaustion.

 

Asuka, while stumbling along and holding her midsection with her good arm, notices that the road she’s on is beginning to part in two ways. The hint of black asphalt is peeking through the sand to her right. She stares at it and then looks forward again, then back to her right. There’s no sign of life or a single building in any direction. There’s no trees; there’s not even a soft breeze here. Something in her gut tells her to go right, so she does, having nothing else to follow.

She feels blisters forming on her feet. It hurts to walk and it hurts to breathe. Suddenly she stumbles and trips over something hard underfoot, the ground rushing up to meet her quickly, giving her little time to react. She cries out as she makes contact with the ground.

“Argh! Was zum Teufel?”

She whips her head around to see what it was that she tripped on. It looks like an...alarm clock? She bends over to pick it up, and rubs the dirt away from the screen and sees a distorted reflection of herself in it. She looks terrible--her face looks gaunt and pale. She can see the bruise along the bridge of her nose disappearing under the bandage over her eye. She reaches up to touch the bandage, wondering what her eye looks like underneath. She decides it would be better not to expose whatever wound may be under there until after she’s found shelter and the ability to clean herself up. The alarm clock is ripped at the cord where the metal prongs would be for an outlet. She sighs and tosses the alarm clock back on the ground. But if she’s found this, she thinks turning to look in the direction she was headed, there must be a house somewhere nearby. She grunts, slowly struggling to her feet again. She feels a stinging pain in her left knee cap and looks down at it. She realizes she’s scraped it up landing on the asphalt and is now bleeding. 

“Dammit…” She curses looking down at it.

But there’s nothing she can do now but ignore it and continue walking, hoping to find shelter soon.

 

For Shinji, strangely the incredible hunger he felt only a short while ago had all but dissipated, but he had not eaten. His body was eating away at itself, his sugar levels dropping rapidly. He felt himself becoming very weak and sluggish. It felt as though lead weights had been strapped to his legs, making each movement slower and more depleting. All he could think of by now was sleeping.

He wanted nothing more than to find a safe place to curl up and sleep off the slow, aching pain that he felt swallowing his entire body. He can see that he’s approaching a small grey object not far in the distance. Shinji drags his feet along the road, his hand moving up to grab at his midsection. As he draws nearer to the object he realizes it’s an abandoned van--tipped on it’s side, windows shattered. He slows his shuffle as he approaches it, practically falling onto the car. He doesn’t have the strength in him to attempt to push the car back over, instead he climbs into it through the open sunroof. Shinji climbs into the back seat of the car. He curls in on himself, having little room to move or stretch out. The hard, cold surface of the car is less than inviting but the shelter it provides offers the illusion of safety.

Shinji wonders briefly if Asuka has found shelter or food by now. He feels a sickening pang of worry and regret sink into his stomach before he loses consciousness completely.

 

“Mama! Mama! Guess what? I was selected Mama! I’m going to save the world… I’m going to be a pilot for the Eva Mama, just like you wanted!”

Light, small feet--a child’s feet--can be heard tapping quickly down the long and narrow corridor of a quiet hospital. A child’s laughter bounces off of the walls--the sound of a pure and innocent happiness--ringing like a tiny bell.

The child’s long, copper hair dances behind her as she runs, shimmering with hints of gold like rays of early morning sunlight.   
Her cheeks are flushed a warm, soft pink and her small lips are stretched into a wide careless smile across her face.  
She can feel her heart fluttering in her chest--it feels so warm--she’s happier than she’s been in a long time.

“Mother will be so proud of me...I know she’ll be proud. She’ll remember me and she’ll tell me how good I’ve been and how much she loves me!” 

She grips the cold, metal doorknob to her mother’s hospital room with both hands. She throws all her body weight into opening the door, turning and popping it open with a loud “click.” 

“Mama guess what? Mama--!” 

She stops abruptly mid sentence. The only sound to be heard in the room is the sickening creak of a taut cord of rope. The cord is wrapped twice around a white, metal beam running along the ceiling. At the end of that cord swings the lifeless body of Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu--Asuka’s mother--hanging by her neck. Her neck is bent at an unnatural angle, flopped over the cord like hot clay. Her whole body is sickly and pale as it swings from the cord. Her eyes are half open--they look like glass with a thick fog behind them--completely unseeing. Her lips are parted and cracked. Her body is frail under her thin nightgown, rotating slowly from side to side on the cord. She appears as though she were never living. The air smells foul--stale--like death. Next to the woman was another noose, a smaller one. On the end of the rope was a limp, dirty rag doll. This was her daughter--Asuka’s replacement. 

Asuka drops to the floor, bawling and screaming.

“Mama! Mama! Oh Mama...Why...why would you do this to me Mama? I-I thought you loved me! Mama you promised!”

Hospital staff, hearing Asuka’s screams, come running down the hallway. Two nurses enter the room behind Asuka and gasp.

“Oh god…” One of the nurses says, her voice trembling.

She turns, fleeing down the hallway to find help.   
The other nurse falls next to Asuka on the floor, pulling her into her arms, rubbing her back and stroking her hair in a soothing manner. Asuka buries her face into the nurse’s dress, soaking it with her tears. 

“You promised! You promised! You...you promised you wouldn’t leave me, Mama! Mama!”

Asuka is suddenly brought back to the present--her eyes flutter open and her chest heaves for air as if she were resurfacing from underwater. 

She’s lying on the ground, her cheeks raw and wet, sand irritating her face. She can tell she’s been crying. She lays on the ground for a few more moments, adjusting to the present and burying the bad memories she was reminded of with her dream.

She wishes she was waking up at home in her bed with both parents fast asleep in the next room and the sun streaming through her half-open white curtains. She remembers the way the morning sun looked gently touching the soft pastel pink of her bedroom walls in her childhood home. She remembers lying in a small, white bed with lacey white sheets and a quilt dotted with small pink daisies pulled up around her. She remembers lying in that bed all those years ago staring at the sunlight on her bedroom wall. She had just woken up. These were among the few, precious memories Asuka had of her perfect life before the accident that stole her mother and father from her. How she wished now, lying on the hard ground, surrounded by nothing in all directions and in unbelievable pain, that she could go back in time and relieve the life she should have had. She wanted nothing more in that moment but to be able to go downstairs in a warm house, in a cozy nightgown, and make a simple cup of morning tea; to sit out on the porch in front of her house, feeling the gentle wind brush against her skin and the trees above her ruffle softly. She wanted her mother to come outside and sit next to her, put her arm around her shoulder and say, “Good morning my beautiful daughter.” She wanted nothing more than to enjoy that silence with her--that peace--that feeling that everything was going to be alright.

Eventually Asuka was reminded of the hunger and thirst that still plagued her body and that alone willed her to pull herself up. She groans in pain, holding her stomach loosely with her bad arm as she struggles to her feet. Once upright she surveys her surroundings. She didn’t remember making the decision to sleep here. She was just off the black pathway by a few feet. She wanders back onto it and then suddenly realizes she has no idea to which direction she was going or from which direction she had come--everything looks the same to her. 

“Well, that’s just wonderful…I’m starving...I’m hurting...I’m alone… and I have no idea where to go…” 

She sighs loudly, her bandaged arm is beginning to burn and the rest of her feels as though she’s been run over with a car or beat up and left for dead. 

“I...I have to find food…. I have to find something to drink….” 

She starts walking forward, her mind on autopilot, unaware if she’s back tracking or not. After some time of walking Asuka begins to lose hope and contemplates strangling herself with her arm bandages to put her out of her misery. Dying seemed like an easier option than trying to survive with such a broken, useless body as hers. Lost in her own thoughts, driving herself mad with ideas of suicide, she doesn’t realize that she’s slowly approaching a small grey object in the distance. As this object draws nearer Asuka starts to become aware of it. 

“What…what is that?” She whispers, straining to make out the shape before her.

It’s some kind of structure--it has a flat, tilted top and sides. It looks like a huge, crushed box. Asuka became more confused the longer she stared at it, unable to reason what it could possibly be. The closer she got, the clearer the object became--it was white but covered with black soot. There were windows, some cracked or shattered and some completely untouched. There was a door, the screen of the door was torn away. It was some kind of building...it was shelter. Asuka walks up to it, pulling the screen door open and stepping inside. The inside of this shelter is very dark and musky, save for a decently sized hole in the roof, creating a spotlight on the floor. The floor appeared to be at one time, nicely polished wood. Asuka walks under the circle of light in the center of the room and looks up through the roof. The full moon, stained with a deep crimson blemish, stares back at her. She wonders if she will ever see daylight again. The sight of that unsettling moon is beginning to fill her with anxiety. 

She slowly looks back down into the dark of the room before her. Cautiously, she walks forward with her good arm outstretched. She bumps into a hard object, pushing it forward slightly and hears it’s wooden feet scrape along the floor. She pats the surface of it with her hand. It’s a table, she concludes. She walks around it and moves forward until she hits a hard surface again--a countertop. She runs her hand along the countertop until she feels a slick, metal surface. She feels a jolt of hope rush through her. She grips the long handles of the surface and pops it open, hungrily searching the inside with blind eyes. 

“Oh thank god…” She breathes.

It’s a fridge, a full fridge. She grabs anything she can get her hands on--a pitcher of water, fruit, someone’s leftovers. She shoves as much food into her mouth as she can, hardly stopping to breathe, not even checking to see if it was spoiled. She downs it with full gulps of water, then gasps for air and leans over the countertop. She stands there, clutching the counter for support, panting for several minutes. She leans over, resting the side of her head against the cold surface of the counter.  
Then a face appeared in her mind. 

“Shinji…I wonder where he is...I wonder if he’s still alive…” 

She closes her eyes.

She feels an emotion that’s unfamiliar to her--a pang of guilt. Were they really better off alone? How long could Asuka stand to hear nothing but the sound of her own voice?

Shinji could be dead, she realized. 

She could be the only human left on Earth. She would die alone with no one, not even the idiot to validate her existence. This world could possibly be entirely a lifeless husk, completely wiped out from the Impact. If she struggled, she did so alone. If she were dying, there would be no one to help her. This idea suddenly seemed more real than ever. She felt an overwhelming feeling of dread settle in her stomach. 

“Oh fuck…” She mumbled into the countertop.

(To Be Continued...)


	3. Worthy of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka and Shinji have been traveling separately for a considerable amount of time now. They are both beginning to feel the burden of loneliness and the panic at the possiblity of death. They begin to reflect on the worth of living.

Elsewhere, Shinji had awoken and had sat in the car he’d slept in for a long time contemplating the benefits to wandering away from his only shelter, but eventually he’d crawled out of the car and started walking again. He followed the black road for hours more, his will to live slowly ebbing away from him with each step. 

He pulled the water bottle he had been keeping in his uniform pocket out for a small sip ever so often, but it was slowly dwindling down to nothing. He swished the small amount of water he had left in the bottom of the bottle around in circles in front of his face and sighed.

“I guess this is it, after this, I either get lucky and score a gold mine or I die in a few days.”

Shinji put the water bottle back in his right pocket, only half of the bottle fitting inside. He shoved his other fist into his left pocket. He felt sand and something else--something hard and smooth. Confused, he emptied his pocket, pulling the object out to observe. It was a small, white stone necklace in the shape of a cross. The pendant was attached to a long black cord. The cord looked worn--frayed and softened by water damage--and the stone pendant on the end was stained a reddish brown, the color of dried human blood. 

“Misato…” Shinji whispers looking down at the necklace.

Misato had worn this necklace everyday for as long as he had known her. He couldn’t remember the significance it had to her though he felt as though it were very important and personal. 

He touches his lips gently, running his middle finger along the curve of his bottom lip. He remembered the feeling of Misato’s soft, velvety lips pressed against his. He remembered the taste of her mouth and the strange, slippery texture of her tongue. Her mouth had been hot--her kiss was gentle like a mother’s touch but her lips were quivering. He felt all of her pain, fear and sadness in that kiss. He felt the urgency in her hands as she held the curve of his face to hers. The taste of salt and rust filled his mouth. It was Misato’s sweat and blood. 

Her hands were trembling as she let go of him and pulled away. She had whispered against his skin then, promising to finish the rest of the kiss later, but her voice was filled with sorrow and regret. Her eyes were glassy. He stared into her eyes, deeply troubled. Her chocolate brown eyes were filled with love and pain. He was afraid if he broke eye contact with her he would lose her forever. He felt his body being shoved backwards and he stumbled into the elevator as it opened behind him. His heart pounded wildly in his ears, he felt a sickening pain in his chest. His breath came faster. He was losing her, but he was moving too slowly to react, to reach out and stop the doors from closing. His mind was spinning, trapped in a continuous loop, hopelessly replaying the last few seconds he had with Misato. He was terrified. He watched Misato’s beautiful face disappear behind the elevator doors as they closed in on him. She had been staring back at him until he disappeared completely, the doors collapsing their trance.

Time stopped in that moment.

For the last time he saw his caregiver disappear from him forever. He heard her words echo in his mind as she’d said them.

“...We’ll do the rest when you get back…” 

But he knew it was an empty promise. He knew she was saying goodbye. She was saying, I love you.

Shinji had looked down at the necklace she’d shoved into his hand then, dripping with Misato’s blood. He felt something in him shatter and a deep, swelling pain like no other fill his chest. He choked on the knot in his throat and gasped, a pitiful cry escaping his lips. Hot, burning tears streamed down his face, the necklace slipping through his fingers and clattering against the floor. He gasped for air in between sobs, sliding down the wall of the elevator and crumpling onto the floor below. He felt the elevator rock violently with an explosion from above. Everyone he loved always left him. 

He was brought back to the present by the feeling of something hot and wet dripping onto his hand. He was crying again. 

“Misato...you were so much better than me...you...wouldn’t have abandoned Asuka…”

His hand tightened around the cross and he pressed it firmly against his chest. He closed his eyes, exhaling loudly, his breath trembling violently. 

“I need you…”

 

Asuka approached what she thought was a white door at the end of a hallway. The paint was curling and peeling on the surface of the door and a cool, white light lit up the floor by her feet. She reached down for the handle, slowly pulling the door back to reveal a washroom, bathed in moonlight from an open window. 

She walked over to an old bathtub. The bottom of the tub was lined with dust and dirt. With little hope she turned the knobs on the tub--no water. She stood there for a moment staring down at the tub in disappointment before turning around to face the long bathroom mirror. She gasped at the sight of herself. 

Half of her face was cloaked in shadow while the other half was illuminated by a cool blue-white light from outside. Dirt was powdered onto her face, her hair was matted and sprinkled with sand. Her face was very pale and her cheeks appeared gaunt. She looked sicker than she remembered. Her eyes looked deep in her face, dark circles beneath them. Her lips were cracked and bleeding. A bandage, yellowed and spotted with dirt was wrapped around her head, covering one of her eyes. She was wearing her plugsuit, but the sleeve was missing from one side and a bandage was wrapped all the way up her arm just before her shoulder. She remembered receiving these wounds in her fight with the Eva Series just before Third Impact began. She remembered the feeling of the Evas ripping her body apart like pulled taffy. She remembered lance spearing her and her Unit through the eye, blood gushing into her lap. She watched as her arm literally split in two before losing consciousness. She had experienced death first hand and yet somehow she was here, crawling through life...if this could even be called that. 

Why was she here? 

She stared at her bandaged arm in the reflection of the mirror. Hadn’t her arm split in half during her battle with the Eva Series? She lifted the bandaged arm up to touch the mirror and then looked at her arm, turning it over. She shouldn’t even have an arm with the injuries she had sustained but somehow she did, and stranger yet she could move her arm, though it caused her great pain to do so. She ran her other hand over the bandages on her injured arm and stopped at her fingertips, looking back in the mirror. Her brow furrowed. She reached up to her shoulder, ripping the medical tape holding the bandage to her arm clean off. Asuka began unraveling her bandages and didn’t stop until it slipped completely off of her arm, falling to the tile floor below. She stared down at her arm, turning it slowly as she observed it. Purplish bruises were spotted up and down the entire length of her arm. Her whole arm was swollen and one particular area inside the bend of her elbow was bright red and it stung as if a hot mug was being pressed onto it. Carefully, she grazed the area with her fingers. It felt warmer than the rest of her. 

“An infection…?”   
She whispered, concerned. 

She stood still for a minute, thinking, then dropped her arm and quickly surveyed the room. 

“Medicine...there must be something in here…”

She found a cupboard and opened it, pulling towels out and tossing them to the floor as she searched. She found many medicine bottles, most of which were prescriptions and empty. She found some pain pills and flipped them over to check for an expiration date. She set the ones that weren’t expired on the edge of the sink and kept digging. At the back of the cupboard she noticed a sealed white, plastic bottle. She stretched, groaning as a wave of intense soreness racked her body, and grabbed the bottle. She turned the bottle over to read the label--99% Isopropyl Alcohol, almost pure alcohol. She checked the expiration date. It wasn’t expired yet, thankfully. She popped open the cap and took the bottle to the sink, holding out her arm. Her hands were growing clammy and her heart rate increased. She was nervous--she knew this would burn like hell--but she had no options, she had to do it. She took a few deep breaths in and out, trying to steady her breathing and calm herself. With a trembling hand she slowly tilted the bottle, the alcohol spilling over her arm.

“Fuck!” 

Asuka yelled, slamming the bottle back onto the sink. Her arm felt like it’d been set on fire.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

She cursed, holding her arm to her body, folding in on herself. She stood there struggling to regain her composure for a few moments, her breathing gradually slowing as the pain subsided. Asuka glanced at her arm and wondered if she should rewrap it in something clean. She looked around the room for something she could use but found nothing. 

Asuka turned then and wandered down the black hallway blindly, running her hand along the wall as she walked. She eventually felt the wall curve and give way into a door frame. Asuka faced the door and felt around for the handle to open it. Before her was a bedroom, bed unmade and clothes tossed onto the floor. This house must have been abandoned only because it’s owner had turned into LCL and the remains ripped up by the catastrophe of Third Impact--it seemed to be frozen in time--as if someone were still living here. 

Asuka walked into the room and pulled open a dresser drawer. Clothing was stuffed into the drawers with no concern of organization. Asuka pulled garment after garment out of the drawer tossed them onto the floor below her. She held a blue and white striped long sleeved shirt out before her. It was a little large but it would be more comfortable than what she was already in and would also serve to provide some barrier between her wounded arm and the elements. She twisted around to unzip her plugsuit, rolling it off of her body with some difficulty--this was not easy to do with only one arm. When she finally freed herself of the plugsuit she laid naked on the floor for a moment and sighed resting her eyes before sitting up and slipping the shirt on. She realized then that she had no underwear or pants, and searched the other drawers for those as well. She found both but only slipped on the underwear, laying the pants on the dresser and walking over to the bed. Asuka flopped down on the bed, a cloud of dust dancing around her from the bed sheets. 

Her eyes felt heavy with exhaustion, she covered them with her arm and exhaled loudly before yawning. She peeked out from under her arm, staring at her plugsuit crumpled on the floor. 

The realization hit her then that she may never wear that plugsuit again. 

Her entire life had been surrounded by being a pilot, her very existence had been validated by that one unchanging variable and now it was gone. What was her purpose now? She was no one--she had nowhere to be and nothing to do. She might as well have not existed, but yet here she was. What would she do for the rest of her life? Would she be alone until she died? What was the purpose of struggling to live if there was no one to live with or live for? She thought she would prefer being alone but she found that her life had less meaning now than it had ever had before. What happened to Misato or Hikari or Rei? Everyone just dissolved into nothingness… but then why were she and Shinji here? Was Shinji still here? She didn’t know the answer to that or if she would ever know. 

“Who am I now? Am I just going to die here alone, quietly? There’s no one here...there’s no one anywhere…what’s the point of trying? Mama…are you there somewhere? Are you listening to me? What do I do now, Mama? Where do I go?”

She laid staring up at the white, crumbling ceiling for what felt like an eternity before her body was overcome with sleep.

(To Be Continued...)


	4. The Individual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For an unmeasurable amount of time Shinji and Asuka have been separated. Shinji prepares for the inevitable but the universe has plans of it's own.

Shinji covered his eyes with his right arm and let out a long, defeated sigh. His other hand rest on his stomach, clutching the water bottle--now empty. He had completely run out of water, down to the very last drop, and still hadn’t found any food. He had stumbled and fallen onto the ground, where he stayed, so weak and sore he found himself unable to move. 

“Help…help...help...” 

Shinji whispered until his voice became inaudible and then he continued to mouth the word silently.

He knew this was it. He had come so far and now he was going to die here all alone. He wished he could have at least found Asuka or could have seen anyone at all again one last time. He wondered if Asuka was alive. He wondered if he made a mistake by stopping Instrumentality and making the decision to make all souls separate again. At least in instrumentality he wouldn’t have to feel the pain of death and loneliness like he was now. He couldn't find the energy in him to cry. He felt himself starting to lose consciousness again, his spectrum of vision narrowing down to a small, cloudy black window.

He felt something cold and wet soaking his feet and then slowly creeping up around him, seeping into his clothes like a gelatin. Shinji felt naked. His skin was growing numb and he felt separated from his body, as if he were looking down on himself from above.

“I’m no good for anyone...I can’t help myself and all I do is hurt other people…”

He whispered to himself, staring down into the water that surrounded him.

“I murdered Kaworu...Rei can’t help me…Misato can’t help me… Asuka…Asuka hates me. I’m useless and fucked up. I shouldn’t be here. Everyone would be better off without me. They all hate me anyway...I hate me. The world would be better off if I just died.”

He sunk his head into the water then. After a minute or so his chest began to tighten. It felt as though heavy weights were being pressed against his rib cage and his lungs twisted. His face began to ache, his head pounded. He could hear his own heart beating, loudly in his ears, struggling to keep pace. He started to see colorful red and yellow spots behind his eyelids, and felt himself becoming light headed. His whole body was racked with pain.

I deserve this, he thought.

He started to become weak, and it became increasingly harder to keep his body from floating to the surface. He finally gasped, inhaling a lung full of salt water. Instinctually, his body thrashed wildly against the pain and threw his head above the surface of the water. He coughed and choked, vomiting and shaking. He was dizzy, his vision coming and going as the blood rushed back into his head. His throat burned as bleach does when poured into an open wound. His eyes stung--it felt like he’d been blasted with a fire hose pumped with acid. He stood there for a long time, water dripping down his face as he came to the painful reality that even he was too pitiful to take his own life. 

“I don't hate you.”

Says a voice that's as weightless and gentle as a feather.

Shinji slowly opens his eyes, regaining consciousness, and returning to the present.

“Huh? H-hello? Is someone here?” He stutters.

“I am, you called me.” The voice said.

The voice was familiar. Shinji squinted, huffing for air as he forced himself up. The figure before him had very pale, white skin that seemed to glow in the moonlight. She stood over him, her icy blue hair shrouding her face. 

“Rei? But you were…” He trailed off, lost in thought before asking, “Am I dead?”

“No.”

Rei was holding something. She held it out to Shinji; it was a badly wrinkled and stained paper bag. He looked at her questioningly. 

“Take it.”

She was staring at him intensely with her unnatural crimson eyes--the color of fresh blood. He reached for the bag, cautious for what he might find inside. He opened it slowly, feeling his nervousness welling up in his chest. The last time he had seen Rei was during the chaotic hell that was instrumentality and all of the things he learned about her before their world ended made her seem like a completely different person to him. She was abnormal and gruesome but also godlike... she wasn’t human in the way that he was. He was afraid of her.

He looked down inside of the bag, tilting it towards the light to better see. On the bottom there was a dusty bag of unopened peanuts and a juice packet in a similar condition. He snatched them up ripping open both of them immediately. After several seconds he found himself panting for breath in between gulps and stopped to look at Rei, who was sitting now with her arms crossed over her legs, staring at him. 

“Where did you find this, Rei?"

“I found it a few miles from here. You were very close to a small village, but you were struggling...you called for me, so I came.”

He blinked at her, looking confused. 

“So...you’ve been here the whole time..you were watching me?”

“No...I wasn’t here...I wasn’t a separate entity. I sensed you so I became an individual as I was before to find you because you needed me.”

“Instrumentality…” He murmured, trailing off as he thought back to it.

In Instrumentality no one was an individual, everyone was one entity. All people were of one mind and body. He remembered Rei lying over top of him, her hips conjoined with his, in complete nudity. He remembered staring up into her eyes and feeling nothing. Touching her skin was as if he were touching his own and looking into her eyes was like looking into a mirror.

Now the feeling was very different. He remembered Rei as a giant, ghastly being who looked maniacal, quite literally holding his life in her hands. He remembered seeing hundreds of identical copies of her being blown to bits inside of a tank of LCL in the basement of Nerv. Rei’s arms, legs, eyeballs, intestines...the fragments that made up her physical form floated around inside the tank, shredded and bloody. 

But this Rei was different, she was unlike before, but he could not decide in what way. He began to grow uncomfortable in her presence.

“I am disturbing you.”  
She said quietly, a hint of disappointment in her voice as she spoke. 

She looked down at her hands, seeming ashamed, as she stared at her fingertips folded over the top of her kneecaps. 

“N-no! You’re not bothering me...I’m..I’m really glad you’re here, actually.”

He smiled slightly, gathering himself into a position that mirrored Rei’s.  
As she watched him smile she felt herself smiling as well. It made her feel warm to know that Shinji was being taken care of and she liked that she was able to be the one to do it. Shinji looked down at the bag he was holding and dropped the remainder of it’s contents into it, rolling the top closed. As much as he wanted to finish the nourishment that Rei had given him off he didn’t know if she’d just gotten lucky in finding it and they might struggle to find more or if there was a lot of food in the village she’d found. 

“Oh...Rei, have you eaten anything? Uh, where is the village you were talking about? Is there more food there?” 

Rei, who was resting her head now resting against her knees, took one long look at Shinji and then stood up without saying a word. She offered her hand to him.

“Come,” she ordered. 

Shinji stammered and struggled to his feet, using Rei’s hand as support. Even though he’d had some nourishment now it wasn’t nearly enough to make him feel better--he still felt weak, sore and tired. He felt slightly embarrassed at looking so pitiful in front of Rei.

Rei let go of his hand and they began walking side by side. Shinji peeked over at Rei from out of the corner of his eye. She looked perfectly unharmed and healthy. She looked like she did before Instrumentality, before she fought Armisael, the way she had when they had class together. Something happened to Rei after she fought Armisael, but in the confusing mess of Instrumentality Shinji still couldn’t quite understand what it was that had happened that fateful day. Shinji remembered visiting Rei in the hospital after the incident and thanking her for saving his life only to receive a distant response from her. He considered that she may have suffered some memory loss from the trauma, but something about her was different from that day on. He wondered if she remembered having saved him by now. She met his gaze then, feeling his eyes on her and he looked away immediately, ashamed for staring. 

For a while they walked silently. Shinji’s mind wandered back to Asuka--was she alive? Would he ever find her again? Did Rei know where she was?

He chuckled bitterly.

“You know, Asuka and I got in a fight. She was here too, at first...though, she’s really difficult sometimes...but...now I’m wondering if I did the right thing leaving her alone out here. I hope she’s not dead. Do you know where she is by chance, Rei?”

Rei flinched slightly at the mention of the Second Child. 

“No.”  
She said, cooly.

There was a hint of an emotion that Shinji could not place in Rei’s voice. Shinji felt as though he had offended her somehow but wasn’t sure why or by what. 

He stayed quiet, staring down at his hands holding the bag against his waist. He had so much he wanted to say to Rei but didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to her about, so he opted to say nothing at all. He wanted to look at her--to validate the existence of another. He still felt like he was dreaming and half expected to wake back up on the ground at any moment, alone and starving. They walked for about twenty minutes before finally, Shinji spoke again. 

“Rei, do you remember saving my life?”

She turned and looked at him, her eyes widening curiously. 

Shinji stammered.

“I-I mean...when you fought that angel and you sacrificed yourself and your unit, blowing the angel up in the process, I really thought I’d lost you that day...I was so sad that I couldn’t cry. I know that doesn’t make any sense but that’s what happened...and then, they called and Misato told me you were in recovery. It was amazing, a second chance at life...but you said you didn’t remember saving me when I asked you about it in the hospital…”

Rei looked away briefly seeming to be thinking back to the moment with regret. 

“I remember it, but not well...it’s like a distant dream...like someone else’s dream…”

“Oh...well, thank you, I wish I could have made saving me more worth it...I sometimes feel like I’m not worth saving,” Shinji admitted. 

Rei’s brow furrowed at this response. She turned to face him. He looked over at her, shocked by the intense expression on her face--her eyes were narrowed and there was a small indent on her forehead between her eyebrows. Her jaw was locked and her mouth pressed into a hard line. She looked frustrated. 

“Don’t say that. You are worth saving.” 

She stared at him for a long moment until he nervously turned away and apologized. 

 

Asuka woke up in the room she fell asleep in, staring at the white ceiling, disoriented. She thought for a moment, with a glimmer of hope, that she was waking up in her old room at Misato’s apartment and that this whole mess had all been a terrible nightmare but she was slapped with reality when she came to and realized she was lying on an old mattress, covered in dust in a stranger’s house. She looked over at her plugsuit, which lay crumpled in a pile on the floor. 

“What do I do now?”  
She wondered aloud. 

She knew she couldn’t stay at this house forever--eventually she would run out of supplies here and be forced to leave in search of more. This house was depressing and lonely. Asuka groaned, sitting up. Her chest was sore and her stomach ached. She ran a hand through her hair and got caught in the oily matted clumps in the back. She made a disgusted sound and wiped her dirty face with the back of her hand. Her body felt sticky and greasy. She so badly wanted to go and lay in a nice warm bathtub, rinse her hair out and scrub her body down. She touched the eyepatch on her face--it was starting to itch. She wanted to take it off but was afraid to see what her eye might look like underneath, if she even had an eye left at all.

I have to get clean, she thought. I can’t stand another day being so disgusting. 

She pushed herself off of the bed and wandered back into the kitchen, scaling the walls until she bumped into the countertops again. 

She grabbed a piece of fruit and a pitcher of water and stood in front of the refrigerator eating. She closed the fridge, leaning up against it and throwing her head back, eyes shut. 

“I have to leave. I’ll grab everything I can and start walking. I have to find some kind of fresh water source. I’ll only last a few days at most with what’s here and I feel terrible--I need a bath.”

She opened her eyes, looking down at her feet--the only part of her being illuminated by the moon. She frowned and then growled.

“I’m fine without the idiot, I don’t need him...I’m fine on my own and I’ll probably meet someone else soon...someone more useful anyway.”

Her lips parted, her mouth trembling. She knew she was lying to herself. She hated hearing nothing but the sound of her own voice. She hated being alone and she knew this world was empty--she hated dealing with most people and the idea of struggling to form a relationship with someone new for the sake of survival seemed exhausting and irritating. Even if she wanted to find Shinji though, she had no idea where to begin looking for him. They had been separated for who knows how long and had probably put days of travel between them. Asuka knew the odds of finding him or anyone else were close to nothing, but hoping there was a chance was the only thing keeping her alive and giving her a purpose right now, so she clung to it. 

Asuka walked back into the bedroom and slipped on the pants she had laid out the night before and pulled the drawstring on them as tightly as she could. The pants were fairly baggy on her but it was better than nothing. She searched the room for a bag she could fill with supplies. Unable to find anything, she settled on filling up a full body pillow case. She wanted to bring every useful thing in the house with her but she knew she had to travel light so she selected a few necessary items--a blanket, rubbing alcohol, a few pain pills, a tube of toothpaste,a flashlight, a few bottles of water and juice, underwear, three changes of clothes and an armful of to go snacks. She grabbed the pillow she’d slept on and shook it out, dust flying everywhere, before tucking it under her arm. 

She took one last look at the house before turning her back on it for good and venturing out again. She noticed when she stepped out of the house that a sudden, cool gust of wind rocked her body with some force. 

“Strange…” she noted, looking up to the sky. “Was there wind here before?”

(To Be Continued...)


	5. A Sense of Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei has now accompanied Shinji. Rei discovers something foreign and unexplainable within herself. Asuka comes to terms with a feeling she's never wanted to admit to. A startling discovery is made.

Shinji and Rei had made it to the small huddle of rubble Rei was talking about.  
The “village” was now a collection of stone crumbles, bent metal support beams and plaster dust--collapsed structures with debris lining what used to be main roads.  
Rei led Shinji into a small gas station. It looked like a stampede of wild boar had stormed into the place--shelves were ripped from the wall and food was thrown all over the floor, many of the packages ripped open.  
Shinji searched behind the counter for plastic bags to carry their finds in while Rei began gathering, into her arms, any produce that was still good.  
Shinji ran his hands through his hair and noticed how oily and dirty it was. He realized then he couldn’t remember the last time he bathed. His skin felt like it was caked in dust and his clothing was recolored by the sand.  
Shinji handed a plastic bag to Rei and began to help her search. After a few moments he loudly cleared his throat before speaking.

“Hey, Rei, shouldn’t we find shelter or somewhere to take all of this food? It’d be nice to be able to sleep in a comfortable spot or at least have somewhere to settle down for a while. I could really use a bath too.”

Rei didn’t turn to look at him but instead continued to pile items into her bag. She picked up a bar of soap and looked over at Shinji.

“Here,” she said, her voice soft and monotone.

She grabbed Shinji’s free hand, turning it over and pressing the soap bar into his palm.  
Shinji looked down at it. 

“Th-Thanks.”

More time passed in silence as Rei filled her bag to the brim, Shinji occasionally glancing over at her. She placed the last object in the bag and stopped, staring down into it for a prolonged period of time, seeming to be lost in thought. Shinji, noticing her sudden lack of movement turned to look at her. Rei looked up at him.

“Let’s go,” she said, turning for the gaping hole in the wall through which they had entered.

Shinji gasped and grabbed his extra bags from the floor, tossing the soap bar into it before stumbling over rubble after Rei.

They walked for a while before Shinji spoke up, having noticed a familar structure.

“What about that?”  
Shinji said, pointing up at what appeared to have been a small apartment complex at one time, now collapsed completely on one side.

Rei stopped walking for a moment, staring up at it and then nodded, trotting towards it.  
Rei pushed open the swinging glass doors of the front first level entrance. She grunted as she pushed--the doors were much heavier than they looked.  
The inside walls of the lobby were painted a dusty, olive green. There were jarring cracks spidered up the walls like veins. The beige, tile floor beneath them was crumbling--large bricks of tile were ripped out of the floor and tossed around the room haphazardly. The lobby was very dimly lit by the cold reflection of moonlight. White light grazed the countertop of the check-in desk with a dry radiance. There was a long, black hallway to the left of the desk--Rei slowly made her way towards it, her leather school shoes tapping lightly on the hard floor.  
Shinji hurried behind her, drawing closer to her as they were engulfed by the blackness of the hallway. Shinji’s eyes searched the darkness wildly and aimlessly. He felt his eyes widen and he stretched both of his arms out in front of him, grasping at the air. He could hear his own breathing, ragged and heavy and the sound of Rei’s shoes as they tapped on the tile. Every click of her shoes bounced off of the walls, echoing and filling the room. Shinji found a wall and hugged it tightly with his body as he walked. Suddenly the tapping of Rei’s footsteps doubled in pace. Shinji huffed, feeling the anxiety building in his chest as he struggled to keep up with her, until suddenly her footsteps disappeared. 

Complete silence.

Shinji strained to hear--he could only hear the sound of his own breathing and his heart beat pumping faster in his ears. 

“Rei?” He called out, his voice griped with panic. 

He slipped off the wall and put his hands out in front of him, wearily. His arms were trembling. 

How could she just disappear like that? No! I don’t want to be alone anymore, please don’t leave me! His mind begged.

“Rei! Rei, where are you?”

Suddenly his arms made contact with something soft, the rest of his body following as he stumbled into the object. There was a gasp, so delicate and faint he scarcely heard it. He gasped too, shocked and retracted immediately from the touch. Cautiously, he reached out once more. He felt a different texture--something silky like tufts of downy feathers. Puzzled by the sensation he let his hand slowly wander across the object. His fingers dipped into a curve, his thumb making contact with a very warm, soft surface. It felt like flower petals. He felt the surface move under his fingers as if it were breathing. 

“Rei!” He gasped, stepping back reflexively, shocked and embarrassed at himself for invading her personal space. “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine,” Rei whispered, her voice sounding more childlike than normal. 

She reached up in the dark, touching the place on her face where Shinji had touched her. Her cheeks and lips were very hot. Her own fingertips felt damp as she trailed them along the contours of her cheekbones. 

What is this feeling? She wondered.

Her heart was fluttering in her chest and her stomach had tightened--these feeling made her nervous. She drew her hands closer to her sternum and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.  
Shinji’s voice, hushed and low filled the silence

“Wha...why did you stop?”

“Stop? What do you mean?”

“We were walking down the hallway, I was following you, and then you just stopped walking...why?”

Rei blinked, startling herself out of her trance.

“Because we are here.”

“Here? What is here?”

“Our room, the door is here, I can’t walk any further,” she responded simply.

Shinji furrowed his brows and stepped in front of Rei, reaching out before him. His palms pressed flat against a cold, metal door. He slid his hand down the door until he griped a door handle and turned it, with a loud click. The door popped open.  
Before them was a one person studio apartment. There was a quaint kitchen, countertops polished with moonlight and all of the appliances standing, silently pressed against the walls. Two bar stools, pushed up against one of the countertops created a thick, black silhouette. There was a door, propped partially open leading into another room. The floor was blanketed with a grey, plush carpet. There was a dark blue couch pushed up against one wall and a small, rounded coffee table a few inches out from the couch. There was a small TV on the opposite wall from the couch. There were dense stacks of paper lined up on the coffee table and the floor surrounding it. There was one full bed pushed up against a long window in the back, center of the room. This apartment was very modern and European. Shinji tried to imagined what kind of person might have lived here.  
They set their bags down on the countertops.

“This place looks like it was untouched by Third Impact...somehow, in here, I can almost forget it even happened,” Shinji commented.

Shinji walked over to the sink and fiddled with the knobs--no water. He did the same to the stove--no gas. Shinji sighed, standing with his hands on his hips, staring at the stove. He lurched forward suddenly, throwing open the small drawers in front of him on the counters. 

“Yes!” 

He pulled out several small lighters, a few packs of matches and a pack of birthday candles. 

“Well, that’s a start...it’d be nice to be able to cook some of that canned food and feel warmth again.”

He looked to the window, the white moonlight poured into the room, casting harsh shadows on the walls and illuminating anything it touched. He noticed Rei standing by that window, a hand on the bed post, staring outside.

She appeared to be concentrating on something--numbing her into stillness. Slate grey eyelashes feathered over her crimson eyes. Her small, bud-like lips were parted slightly. Her skin, white as fresh snow, glistened with the reflection of moonlight. Her icy blue hair framed her face, accentuating her high cheekbones and feminine jaw.  
An image appeared in his mind as he stared at her--the image of a woman he hardly knew--his mother.  
Yui had appeared to him in the dreamlike state of Instrumentality. She was beautiful-- her soft brown hair caressed her face, her warm brown eyes glistened and her skin glowed. 

He felt a sense of longing now staring at Rei. 

 

Asuka had crossed some considerable distance now--her brief shelter a simple memory behind her. Occasionally her eye or arm would pulsate and her legs would throb as she walked, but she grit her teeth and struggled to ignore it. 

She wondered if she would ever find shelter again, surprised by the distance of her previous one to any sort of surrounding neighborhood.  
As she was walking she felt her hair slap her in the face. It felt like a giant being was blowing gently on her. She pulled her hair out of her mouth with a tinge of annoyance--for the past few minutes the wind had steadily picked up pace, growing faster and harsher with each passing gust. It was then that Asuka noticed a blur of movement in the distance. It appeared to be a dusty, grey shadow that danced wildly on the horizon. 

“What...is that?” Asuka murmured, squinting.

As the shadow barreled closer, picking up speed and growing in size she felt her stomach drop and the sickening feeling of dread over come her. 

It’s a sand storm--she realized regrettably. 

As the storm charged in her direction Asuka did the only thing she could think to do with no available shelter--she dropped to her knees and curled in on herself on the ground, covering her head with her arms. She hid her pillowcase and pillow under her body, to prevent the storm from sweeping it up.

The wind current whirled around her and she felt herself being lifted off of the ground and struggled to flatten herself out. The storm passed quickly however, being only a small whirlwind, leaving Asuka powdered in sand and her hair a ragged mess.  
She slowly climbed to her feet and exhaled loudly. A chill overcame her and she shivered, holding her pillow tightly to her chest.

Eventually, she reached a huddle of small demolished buildings. The buildings were all lifeless and grey. Their support beams were bent and their walls were crumbling. It was so quiet and desolate here--the only sound that could be heard was the soft cooing of wind in the distance. 

Asuka sighed, throwing her head back, dragging her body forward. She was beginning to grow weary again. Each step she took gradually slowed until she came to a complete stop, standing in the middle of the wide roadway, buildings on either side of her. She faced the sky, dotted with millions of tiny stars--burning pinpricks of light on a black depthless sky--and closed her eyes. She stood like that for a long moment, feeling her body relaxing, the pillow and pillowcase she was holding fall onto the ground by her feet.

She was completely alone here--in a black, timeless world with only her. She felt a deep need clawing at the inner recesses of her consciousness--the need to be held, the need to be spoken to or validated by the existence of another. Her chest was tight with a feeling similar to pain--it felt like a strong grip twisting her insides but she could still breathe perfectly despite the lump she felt in her throat. In this world, Asuka could not tell if she was alive or dead. This feeling, though Asuka loathed admitting it to herself, was the feeling of terrible loneliness. She may be able to survive months or even years by herself but every minute of it she would step closer to madness. How much longer before she started imaging others--making up fantasies to appease her depraved mind? Asuka cursed at herself mentally. She wished she had never let Shinji separate from her. A small part of her mind taunted her--reminding her that it was her fault that he’d left in the first place. Why hadn’t she just tried to help? And if she couldn’t help why hadn’t she at least thanked Shinji for his efforts and kept her damn mouth shut? 

“I’m a fucking idiot,” she whispered, feeling herself choke on her words as she spoke.

She hated this feeling--the realization that she did need others, and the realization that a part of herself actually longed for the one person she’d swore she’d never want to see again. Asuka felt herself fading into darkness and her knees giving way under her, as she fell to the ground below. She felt her face burn and struggled to hold back the tears, charged by the frustration that she felt. Asuka knew she was losing consciousness but lacked the motivation to pull herself out of it. 

Then suddenly, a sound reached her ears, a familiar call in the distance.

“Asuka? Asuka!” 

The voice was filled with disbelief and then panic, excitement and relief.

Asuka barely opened her eyes, her vision blurred and clouded, straining to see the source of the noise she heard. Someone was running towards her...no two people…one in front of the other. The first person was wearing a light colored shirt and had dark hair, while the other was wearing a darker dress and had light colored hair. 

“Asuka, oh my god!” 

The voice was filled with emotion--like it’s owner was on the verge of crying. 

Asuka felt her body being lifted and couldn’t tell if she was lifting herself or if someone else was supporting her. The voice was so familiar, but her mind was drifting and she was having trouble remembering anything or maintaining a single coherent thought, and failed in her efforts to place it. 

The last thing she remembered was her face being pressed up against a soft, warm surface and the unmistakable smell of sweat and musk.

(To Be Continued...)


	6. That Which is Left Unspoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka wakes up in the company of familar faces. Shinji and Rei make a game-changing discovery. A catty remark quickly turns into a very real, disasterious possibility.

Asuka heard the voices of two people talking--a man’s nasally voice, laughing softly in response to a woman’s, hushed statements. Asuka, felt however, like she was underwater and found the effort of pulling herself above the surface to be exhausting. She struggled to wake herself. Then the male voice sounded concerned and Asuka felt her arm being tugged at. A current of intense pain shot up through her arm and into her shoulder and neck muscles. Asuka heard herself moan in discomfort at the feeling. The voices responded, louder and with more excitement, to Asuka’s reaction. She felt herself becoming curious and irritable. 

“Asuka,” the male voice came.

Asuka felt something soft beneath her. She tried to open her eyes, feeling herself struggling to take deeper breaths. A bright white light was beaming down on her face. She felt her eyebrows furrow--the light was so intense it hurt her eyes to look into. She tossed her head from side to side trying to shake herself awake, every movement felt as though it took a tremendous amount of effort to perform.

Asuka felt herself grabbing at something soft beneath her, tightening it around her fist. Then she felt a huge rush of air enter her lungs and gasped loudly, arching her back, her eyes popping wide open. She was facing a white, grainy ceiling. She blinked rapidly, staring at the ceiling in confusion. She felt disoriented. She then heard a voice speaking loudly in her right ear.

“We must have walked in one giant circle somehow, to both end up here,” the voice said.

Asuka turned to face the source of the voice. Immediately she recognized it’s owner and saw him smile at her, a look of regret and relief painting his expressions. 

“Asuka, I never thought I’d see you again,” Shinji admitted, looking down at Asuka, who was laid out on a bed before him. 

Rei sat beside Shinji, but slightly behind him, in a chair that was identical to his. She had her hands folded in her lap. Shinji was clutching a small, blue flashlight in his right hand.

“You look terrible,” Shinji commented, and then, seeing the expression on Asuka’s face he quickly added, “I-I mean...you’re   
beautiful of course but, well, you look exhausted! Can I get you anything? Water...food?”

Asuka laughed bitterly at Shinji’s efforts to backpedal after realizing his statements were insulting. She saw Shinji flinch, expecting her to slap or taunt him, but Asuka was too relieved and happy at the moment to respond angrily. She too, had thought she would never see him again, or anyone else for that matter. 

“Water, please?” She asked.

Shinji stared at her in confusion for a moment and then blinking, shook himself out of his trance and nodded, jumping up to fulfill the request. 

With Shinji gone, Asuka turned her gaze to Rei. She felt her chest burn at the sight of her. When did she get here? Asuka wondered. Why is she here?

“First…” she murmured, trailing off.

Rei did not respond but rather stared at Asuka with a hard, intense expression. The thick, bubbling tension between the two of them was broken when Shinji walked in front of Rei, taking his seat next to her and handing Asuka a glass of water. Asuka sat up slowly, groaning as she moved, and stretched her arm out to receive it. 

“How is your arm and your eye?” Shinji asked.

Asuka reached up to touch her eye bandage, reminded of how badly it itched and burned. She felt her stomach drop as she imagined what might be beneath that bandage. She was afraid to discover she might not have a functioning eye there any longer.

“It’s okay…” Asuka lied.

Shinji chewed absently on his bottom lip seeming concerned and unconvinced by Asuka’s answer but choosing not to press the matter. 

Rei stood up then, announcing that she was going to search for a means to start a fire for cooking. She grabbed one of the lighters from the counter and headed for the door. Shinji choked on his response, debating if he should go with Rei or stay with Asuka. Suddenly Asuka spoke.

“So am I.” 

She set the glass on the nightstand beside her and huffed as she pushed herself off of the bed. 

“No, no… Asuka, you should stay here and rest!” Shinji pleaded, attempting to coax her back into the bed with his hands. 

Asuka shot Shinji a threatening look and shoved his hands away with some force. 

“Don’t touch me! And don’t tell me what to do you asshole! Who died and made you the boss of me? I said I’m going, so I’m going.”

Shinji looked taken aback. This was the Asuka he was used to--the girl who always had her defenses up. Shinji felt the need to shyly apologize but Asuka wasn’t listening, she’d stumbled past Rei and disappeared into the hallway.

Rei looked over at Shinji as if expecting him to say something but Shinji responded by looking away, embarrassed at causing a   
scene. Rei turned for the door, following Asuka.

 

After walking the hallways blindly for some time, the corridor opened up into a large tile room. Light poured into the room from the sunroof above. In the center of the room there was a long, deep pool which had been mostly drained, leaving only half a foot of dirty water at the bottom. There was another bowl to their left--what appeared to have been a hot tub at one time now filled with debris and completely dried up. 

“There!” Asuka shouted, pointing to the hot tub. “Now we just need to find some wood. You have the lighter right, wonder bitch?” 

“Asuka!” Shinji yelled, angrily.

“What, idiot, are you coming to her defense now? What have you two been up to since I was gone? Are you fuck buddies now? That's pretty fucked up, you know, considering she's basically your sister and all.” 

Both Rei and Shinji were silent at Asuka’s statement, which made Asuka slightly nervous. She expected Shinji to attempt some kind of retort but his silence made her question the truth behind her accusation. She felt a sickening weight drop in her stomach and the color run from her face. She tried to block the images running wild in her mind, feeling her ears and nose burning. Asuka turned away, refusing to look at them. 

 

The three teens separated, searching the room for anything made of wood and tossing it into the pit. Once there was enough, Rei leaned down and lit the wood. Luckily, it was dry enough that the flame caught.

After they ate they all sat around the fire, silently, a good distance from each other. 

“Do you think anyone else will come back?” Shinji murmured as he stared into the fire.

“Who knows,” Asuka said. “And even if they do the chances of them reappearing here seem slim. There may be others alive right now...we may never know.”

The idea of spending the rest of her life, alone with no one but Shinji and Rei filled her with dread. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were just the idiot and her alone but with Rei there--someone whom Asuka deeply despised--she wasn't sure how long she could take it. Not to mention, the idea that Rei and Shinji may be having secret relations, leaving Asuka with no one, left to watch the two of them be happy together, made her blood boil. She wouldn't lose her only chance at happiness to a girl who didn't even understand her own feelings. Rei was quiet and obeyed silently to everything she was ordered. This must be why Shinji likes her, Asuka concluded, because he feels dominant over her. 

The sick bastard wanted power because he felt weak. 

Shinji saw Asuka glaring at him out of the corner of his eye and glanced over to meet her gaze. 

She gave him the most vile look he had ever seen from her. He looked away, confused and feeling rejected. He couldn't imagine what he had done to make Asuka so angry. She always snapped at him for the littlest of things, that was just in her nature, but this time the feeling was different--more aggressive and suffocating. 

Shinji looked over at Rei, who was staring blankly into the fire. She glanced back at him, feeling his eyes on her and her lips parted as a silent gasp escaped. Shinji noted an unfamiliar look in her eyes as she stared at him, before she quickly diverted her attention back to the fire.

He looked down at his hands which were folded across his legs. 

The image of his mother, caressing his cheek entered his mind. He heard her voice, comforting and strong, echoing in his memory.

“You will always have the chance to be happy. As long as the Sun, the Moon, and the Earth exist, everything will be all right.”

Shinji leaned his head back, closing his eyes and exhaled slowly. 

Are you sure mother? I'm trying, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or feel at a time like this...I wish I could talk to   
you…

(To Be Continued...)


	7. What is Happiness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A burning suspicion fosters a growing passion, whether it's accepted or not. Rei and Shinji are growing closer but Asuka has plans of her own.
> 
> This chapter is relatively short and is meant to act as an arc between the previous chapter and the next one.

The loud clanking of industrial hardware slammed against a metal surface, a ringing sound resonating through the air. A thick, coagulated liquid sloshed against the sides of a glass tube. A woman’s voice cut through the banging. 

“Commander, are you sure this operation is stable? We’ve tried this almost five times now with no success.”

“Yes!” A man shouted, sounding distressed and enraged. “It has to work, it’s our only option...it’s my only option.”

The sound of machinery could be heard snapping into place and a current filtering through a pressurized air tank. Someone’s heeled shoes tapped slowly across the floor. The room was cold and damp--it smelled of mold, dust, chlorine and bleach. Dim orange lights burned from monitors, hooked up to the walls by millions of cables and the hum of a large computer could be heard. A waft of fresh blood filled the air. On a metal tray laid a pile of wet, hot carcasses, electric currents buzzing through them, but the object otherwise lifeless on the table. Bloodied implements lined the table in a neat row. 

“Everything is in place, Sir. Preparing for high voltage electricity. Stand back, Commander.”

A large, heavy switch was flipped with a loud “bang.” A machine roared like an engine coming to life. 

“Commander, I said step back!”  
The woman yelled, covering her eyes. 

A huge, intensely bright beam of light shot through the air. The sound of static filled the room--popping and hissing wildly. A man screamed out in pain and the woman gasped, flipping the switch back, deactivating the machine.   
Another man walked out from the shadows, his heavy footsteps the only sound in the room, save for heavy breathing. A pressurized air tank popped open, a thick bubbling sound vomiting into the room.

“Was it a failure?” The Commander growled, clutching his arm that had been singed. 

“No...a success,” the other man responded.

Everyone in the room turned to look at the tiny glowing capsule. Inside the tube, floating among the concoction of flesh and blood, was an unimaginably small twitching bean. This “bean” had tiny arms and legs, a thin neck, small webbed fingers and toes. 

It was alive. 

The hatch on the machine was quickly sealed shut. The Commander walked over to the main monitor and stared into it, his eyes narrowing sharply under the reflection in his glasses.

“Pattern blue...it’s more alien than human. Get rid of it.”

“Commander, the only way you’re going to get a more human vessel than this one is just...to move on.”

“No!” He howled, slamming his fist down onto the table, rattling the instruments on it.

The other man responded.  
“This is the closest we have come. It’s alive. It’s healthy. It has incredible potential.”

The Commander was silent for a long moment, seeming to be lost in thought. The only sound that could be heard was the soft humming of machinery. The Commander looked up at the life form in the glowing tube across the room, staring at it intensely for a long moment.

“Fine, keep it. I will work with it,” he stated, turning and walking out of the room, a hand clutched over his wounded arm. 

“This is it…” the other man spoke, “This is the closest replica of Yui in existence.”

“Closest artificial replica. The Commander has a son.”

“Indeed… and for that comes his greatest downfall… a man, so obsessed with a woman he cares more about recreating her than   
fathering the child that he had with her….oh Yui, how you must be loathing us right now. We have committed the greatest sin against you.”

 

Shinji awoke with a gasp, startling himself awake, covered in his own sweat. He was laying in a bathtub, lined with towels and a pillow. 

For a long moment he simply stared up at the ceiling, in shock from what he had witnessed in his dream. He remembered the tiny life form twitching in the orange liquid. 

“Rei…” he said absently, speaking without thinking.

After a while, he decided to pull himself up, groaning as he climbed out of the bathtub. His neck and spinal cord felt incredibly sore. He rotated his neck around in slow circles, feeling the pain in his joints. He couldn’t spend another night sleeping like this.  
He walked into the next room, yawning and scratching his head. Rei was curled up on the couch in the room, under a thin blanket and Asuka was a small lump on the far left side of the queen-sized bed. Why Asuka couldn’t even have the decency to share such a huge bed with Rei so that Shinji could sleep on the couch was beyond him. He walked over to the countertop and sifted through the plastic bags, looking for something to eat and drink. Still half awake, he didn’t hear Rei sliding off of the couch and walking over to him. 

“Good morning,” her soft voice came, loudly in Shinji’s right ear.

He jumped, rocking his whole body with a hard jolt. He looked over his shoulder at Rei with a wide-eyed expression and then, realizing who it was, turned to face her, his expression softening.

“Oh, Good Morning Rei,” he chuckled softly, “You scared the shit out of me.” 

“Sorry.”

“N-no it’s okay! I just wasn’t expecting you to wake up so fast.”

She stared at him and said nothing, then looked down at the snack bag Shinji had been struggling to open and reached for it.

“Let me help you,” She said. 

Shinji started to respond but his voice was caught in his throat. Rei took the bag and ripped it open, handing it back to him. 

“Thanks…” He said, looking down at it. 

He looked up. Rei was staring back at him and he thought he caught the hint of a smile on her lips and the slight squinting of her eyes. He felt himself smiling back at her, before looking away, rubbing his hand through his hair. An image of that tiny, beady head from the small creature in his dream popped into his mind. He remembered Ritsuko showing him and Misato a room at the basement of Nerv and saying that this is where Rei was born. Was that small lifeform from his dream, Rei? Maybe it wasn’t just a dream… he thought, staring at the floor.

He heard the bed covers behind him shifting and heard Asuka groan.  
He watched as Asuka slowly pulled herself upright, her face scrunching in pain at something. 

She realized Rei and Shinji were both staring at her after a couple of seconds. She shot them an irritated look, but said nothing.  
Both Shinji and Rei turned away and surprisingly Asuka dropped it. She climbed out of bed and hobbled over to the counter, rummaging through the bags for food.   
She stretched and yawned, while she ate and then sighed loudly.

“I have to bathe today.”

“Yeah, we should go look for some fresh water somewhere. I could use a bath too,” Shinji said, running his fingers through his hair.

Asuka glanced at him sharply, narrowing her eyes threateningly. Shinji felt a chill run up his spine and quickly looked down at his feet, trying to escape her gaze.

She's still mad at me, Shinji thought. Why though? What did I do to make her so mad? Asuka has always had a short temper but she's never held a grudge against me for this long before…

 

Not long after the three former Eva pilots were on their way to find clean water. They were walking through the small neighborhood surrounding their temporary shelter. 

Asuka hadn’t spoken a word or even looked in the direction of either Shinji or Rei for the entirety of their walk. Shinji was staring at Asuka, who was watching the buildings as they passed them. It was really bothering him that Asuka was acting so strange and worse that he didn’t know what to do about it. Was it her mother? Did he say something that reminded her of something from her past? Shinji thought back to as much conversation as he could remember having with her yesterday and couldn’t think of anything that he found to be particularly outlandish. 

Rei slowed her pace so that she was walking beside Shinji. She could tell he was upset about the way Asuka was acting. Rei always knew that Asuka was a very easily aggravated person--she didn’t particularly care for this trait or how loud and conceited Asuka always sounded, though she knew most of it was a cover and that, in truth, she had a very fragile heart. Rei felt like Asuka did most of the damage to herself however, and felt little empathy towards her situation because of it. But, Rei was concerned at how Asuka’s selfish attitude was upsetting Shinji. 

She looked down at his hand, swinging by his side as he walked. She wanted to comfort him somehow or distract him. Without thinking, Rei reached for Shinji’s hand and slipped her fingers into his. She had seen Yui do this with the Commander in her memories which visited her in the form of dreams, and it always seemed to bring him great pleasure.

It’s nice to be held, Rei reminded herself. 

Shinji gasped quietly and then caught himself, quickly looking down at his hand, joined with Rei’s and then back up at her. His eyes were wide and full of questioning. Rei felt her cheeks burn as she made eye contact with him, looking away and biting her bottom lip, unsure as to what she should say or do. She felt Shinji’s arm relax and his fingers tighten around her hand. Rei felt an intense warmth fill her chest. Shinji’s hand was soft and warm but also a little damp, though it didn’t bother her. She smiled softly in response to the feeling. 

Is this happiness? She wondered.

Behind them, Asuka was watching as Rei held hands with Shinji. She saw the way he looked at her and how she looked at him. She saw that Shinji tightened his hand around Rei’s. Asuka felt her stomach turning--it made her feel nauseous. She grit her teeth, making her mouth into a firm line and tightened her fists at her sides. Their happiness together disgusted her. Why did Shinji react this way to Rei now but had rejected her so offensively when she had tried to kiss him, back when they lived together in Misato’s apartment? Asuka glared at Rei, feeling a hot, twisting anger rising within her. She wanted to jump out and strangle Rei. 

‘What does she have that I don’t?’ She thought, finding it increasingly harder to resist snapping and lashing out on her. ‘After everything Shinji and I have been through together, he wants some boring bitch like her? I bet she’s just jumping for joy right about now… I bet she’s happy Shinji is paying more attention to her than he is to me. She probably thinks she’s going to win him over and leave me to rot. Well, not so easy wondercunt, I am the embodiment of your worst fucking nightmares and there’s hell to pay, just you wait.’

(To Be Continued...)


	8. The Sinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka, who is buried in her own assumptions, is reminded of a sin from the past. Sometimes the worst enemy is human nature itself--violent, passionate and clueless.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains graphic adult content that is sexual in nature!
> 
> I have included a note at the bottom of this page which summarizes this chapter in a non-offending way for those of you who do not wish to read this content but wish to continue the story as a whole. Thank you for your support and understanding.

Later that same day...

Asuka heard the windows rattle as a strong gust of wind shook them. It was growing increasingly colder here, she had noticed. She tightened the covers around her face, leaving only her eyes to peer out into the consistently dark room. Rei was curled up on the couch a few feet away from her, facing the wall and wrapped in a white blanket. Asuka watched as her body rose and fell calmly as she slept. Asuka wondered what Rei was dreaming about or if she could even dream at all. She remembered a time when she actually offered to be friends with Rei but of course, Rei acted like she was above that, which had annoyed Asuka greatly. Now there was no Commander for Rei to take orders from and there were no Evangelions to pilot or Angels to battle. This new world was a hollow husk of what it was before the Third Impact. 

‘Did Rei always feel the need to be ordered around? Was she using Shinji as a replacement for The Commander?’ Asuka wondered, ‘Keeping it in the family, huh?’

Asuka laughed bitterly. 

“What a bunch of sick fucks…”

Asuka rolled over in bed staring up at the empty ceiling. 

‘Speaking of sick fucks...’ She thought with a grimace on her face, memories from Instrumentality starting to flood her mind...

 

The room smelled of bleach and fresh linen. It was quiet--the only sounds being the soft beeping of a machine, the hum of fluorescent lights overhead and a young man’s shallow breathing. A bright afternoon light streamed in through the large, glass windows into the room and poured over Asuka’s pale body, causing her rusty auburn hair to reflect an orange hue onto the bed sheets beneath her. 

She saw Shinji, in the memory, standing over her limp body. She was breathing slowly and deeply, but otherwise lifeless. Shinji was talking to her...mumbling…whining. He became panicked at her lack of response and started shaking her shoulders, in a pathetic attempt to wake her up. As he spoke his voice became weaker and cracked, as a tight pain welled up in his throat. 

“Hey...wake up, hey, Asuka… open your eyes… hey, Asuka...Asuka!”

He was practically sobbing, his whole body trembling. He was breathing very heavily and becoming light headed. He felt the color draining from his face and a visceral panic building inside of him. 

“Asuka!” He shouted finally, after calling her name several times already.

He collapsed onto her, crying into her shoulder, his hand squeezing her arm, as she lay helpless on the hospital bed. After a moment his voice came back, clawing it’s way up his throat. 

“Help me,” He begged. “Help me...help me...please help me...call me an idiot like you always do.”

His breath came faster--staggering. A tear dripped onto Asuka’s body, rolling down in between her breasts.

“H-Hey!”

Overcome with emotion he ripped her shoulder away from the bed with as much force as his body allowed him, as if shaking her violently enough might lift her out of comatose. Suddenly, he heard the sound of tape being ripped from her body and  
gasped, seeing cords fly freely and her bed covers slide off of her and tumble to the floor as she was yanked onto her back. 

Asuka was sprawled out before him, her chest, stomach and thighs fully exposed, her genitalia only being covered by the pair of white, thin cotton panties the nurses had dressed her in. 

Shinji stared at her, wide eyed and stunned. Her skin appeared supple and porcelain, her full breasts falling slightly to the sides of her. Her breasts were almost white in color--he could see the small bluish veins trailing across them under her skin. They protruded a decent amount from her chest and were perfectly rounded on the bottom and sides--small pink nipples blushing the tips of them. They moved slightly as she breathed. Her sternum glimmered with a trail of moisture, reflecting the white light in the room like a jewel. Her stomach was perfectly flattened and toned--her thick muscles contouring her sides and the dip where her small, cute belly button was. His eyes wandered down the length of her body, resting right around her panty line and inner thighs. He could see the faint outline of her outer labia through her underwear. He saw how her soft inner thighs curved perfectly into her womanhood. 

He imagined how soft and pink she might be under that thin layer of fabric. He felt himself growing aroused at the thoughts that taunted his mind. 

Without thinking his finger tips had already slipped under his belt, which swung in front of him, unbuckled. He dipped into his underwear, hearing a soft moan escape his lips as he grazed his throbbing manhood. His heart was pounding fast and heavy in his ears. He felt an animalistic need overtake his body and he started pleasuring himself, staring at Asuka, who lay unaware and helpless, with hungry eyes. 

This wasn’t the first time Shinji had masterbated to the thought of his comrade and housemate.  
Many times, in the late hours of the night, he had felt the tremendous need for sexual fulfilment overcome him. His mind often floated between different people, real and fictional during these fantasies but one of his favorites to imagine was Asuka, because she seemed so unattainable. She taunted him regularly--walking around the house with her ass cheeks popping out of her night shorts and braless in very low cut tops. He would always see the outlines of her naked body and imagine what it would be like to run his hands along her curves, feeling every inch of her.

Of course, this was a closely guarded secret of his. She never knew that Shinji fantasized about her. As they came in for that first kiss, Shinji’s face burned with anticipation, imagining the feeling of her soft, small lips against his. However, that experience was positively ruined by the feeling of being suffocated, followed by losing all sensitivity in his face and arms. When he saw how Asuka reacted after pulling away, he knew she’d never attempt to kiss him again. He knew then how she really felt--she was just using him after all, like he was using her. 

He felt an intense burst of pleasure explode through his body and he choked on his moan as it threatened to escape his lips.  
After a moment, he slowly regained his composure and looked down at his hand, which was covered in his own liquids.  
He saw Asuka just below his hand, lying--vulnerable--on the hospital bed beneath him. 

He felt his stomach drop and a wave of nausea rack his body. What a piece of shit excuse for a human was he that he had used a girl who was desperately clinging to life, unable to consent or help herself, to fuel his disgusting pleasure? 

‘If Asuka were awake,’ he thought, ‘she would want nothing to do with me. She would be horrified and disgusted...she would feel the way about me that I do now.’

He exhaled, trembling, feeling himself drowning in his own self loathing. His voice--hoarse and barely audible--cut through the dead-silence of the room.

“I’m so fucked up.”

 

Asuka was brought back to the present then and realized, with some surprise, that her own hand was tucked inside her underwear. She could feel moisture dripping onto her fingers and lining the cotton that confined her. She felt disgusted at the fact that she reacted in his way to the thought of Shinji taking advantage of her. However, she couldn’t deny the fact that her cheeks and lips were burning with desire. She felt hot and clammy. She turned over in her bed, looking at Rei, who still slept peacefully and unaware on the couch across the room.

Asuka chewed at her bottom lip.

‘I need to feel him inside of me,’ Asuka thought, her mind clouded with the intensity of her lust. ‘I have to know…please let me be wrong about him...’

As quietly as she possibly could, Asuka slipped out of her covers off of the bed. She walked across the floor, past Rei with the lightest of steps possible and slipped through the door, exiting into the hallway. It was so dark in the hall that Asuka was blind to it. She felt herself growing anxious by the darkness that was before her. She ran her fingers across the wall to her right, gripping it tightly for a sense of direction. Once she felt the wall dip and give way into a door frame she felt around for a door handle--her fingertips dewy. After they had returned from bathing in a pond they discovered several miles from here earlier that day, Shinji had announced that he couldn’t sleep in the bathtub anymore and opted to look for a different room to sleep in. Rei had offered to sleep with him but Shinji had rejected her offer, feeling Asuka’s intense gaze upon him just threatening him to say yes. Luckily, this room, like the one next to it, was left relatively undamaged, though with a smashed window in the bathroom that brought the temperature of the whole apartment room down. 

Asuka turned the doorknob slowly and it clicked, popping open. She slowly opened the door just wide enough to allow herself room to shimmy inside the room. She closed it behind herself and locked it. From the light of the moon illuminating the entire room, Asuka saw Shinji sleeping, face up in the corner-back of the room. She snuck over to him and climbed onto his bed.  
She hesitated for a moment before slowly reaching out to run her hand down his chest, stopping at his groin. She leaned in close to Shinji and brought her mouth next to his ear. She ran her hand back up his stomach and felt him gasp and jump as he awoke. 

“Huh? Who...?” He mumbled, confused by the situation.

She felt his chest rise and fall under her hand. 

“Do you want a chance to prove yourself to me?” Asuka whispered against his skin.

“...A-Asuka? Wha...What do you mean by ‘prove myself?’”

Asuka let out a short laugh.

“Dummkopf. When a woman is talking to you like this don’t ask stupid questions.”

She bit his earlobe lightly and heard him gasp and moan, sending chills of satisfaction down her spine. 

“Do you want a chance to prove to me that you are a man?” Asuka whispered against his skin, her breath hot--her lips tender and warm. 

“Ah--” Shinji moaned, unsure of how to react or what to say. 

He felt himself growing firmer as Asuka’s hand snaked down his body. He let out a loud gasp in surprise as she grabbed hold of him through his clothes. 

“Asuka, I--Ahh…” 

“Kiss me you idiot,” she breathed, moving on top of him to straddle his hips. 

The feeling of his manhood beneath her sent bolts of nervousness and excitement, more intense than she had ever experienced, coursing through her body. His hot, moist lips pressed into hers with great strength, forcing her to push back into the kiss to avoid losing balance. She felt herself shake with pleasure and moan into his mouth as he started to automatically thrust his hips at the feeling of Asuka’s weight on top of him. She ran her fingers up his back, clawing at his shirt. He moaned in response to the feeling, which made his hair stand on end.

His mind was spinning wildly. He couldn’t think about why this was happening only that it was happening. He forgot that Asuka was angry at him and forgot his confusion at her sudden appearance in his bed, or why she was acting this way towards him. The only thing that he could think about at the moment was every movement of her hands running under his clothes, the texture of her tongue dancing with his inside of her mouth, the feeling of her weight pressing into him. He craved sex--the feeling of penetrating her--he felt his body fighting with hers for dominance. 

Asuka pulled away from him--her face flushed and her breathing heavy--to lift her night shirt up over her head and toss it onto the bed, exposing her full breasts to Shinji in the dim light of the room. Shinji felt himself panicking slightly at the sight, realizing he had no clue what to do with a girl’s body. He had never been in a situation like this before. 

Asuka grabbed both of his hands and placed them over her breasts and Shinji massaged him, intrigued by the soft and squishy texture of them. Asuka moaned, throwing her head back and Shinji felt her nipples hardening under his palms. He pinched her nipples, rubbing them between his fingertips and making a small circular motion against the tips of them. 

“Ahh, Shinji...oh fuck..”

“A-Asuka…”

For some odd reason he felt the need to put her in his mouth, so he leaned in and sucked on her right nipple, dancing over it with his tongue. 

Asuka grabbed Shinji, pulling him in close and tugging at the bottom of his shirt, trying to lift it off of him.  
He let go of her long enough to let Asuka pull his shirt up over his head and toss it across the room. He felt her press her breasts up against his bare chest. She leaned over him, whispering in his ear again. 

“I want you…” Asuka moaned. “I want you to fuck me Shinji.”

Shinji gasped, realizing how far this was going. He felt his stomach drop, as anxiety rushed through his blood like acid. He pulled away from Asuka, staring her hard in the face, trying to focus on her eyes, though he felt as if he were intoxicated. 

“A-Asuka I can’t… I’m…” 

He was having difficulty putting his feelings into words. 

Asuka felt her sex drive draining away from her as she realized Shinji was rejecting her. She felt a blistering irritation rising in her chest.

“Seriously, dumbfuck? What kind of an asshole rejects a beautiful girl when she’s begging for you to fuck her? Is it Rei? Are you taken or something?” Asuka started, her voice growing louder and rougher with each accusation. “What is it that she has that I don’t? You’ll use me to pleasure yourself in bed alone at night and even over my comatose body while I’m completely defenseless to you but suddenly the real me isn’t good enough for you?”

“No Asuka, that’s not---”

Asuka shoved Shinji away from her, jumping down from the bed.

“Fine!” She yelled, feeling her eyes burning and a knot forming in her throat. “Go fuck your sister for all I care! It’s not like I really wanted you anyways...I was just using you for convenience sake! But don’t talk to me again, don’t even look at me...you...you dumb fucking bastard! I hate you!”

Asuka was clutching her shirt that she’d picked off of the ground and holding it so tightly in her fists that her knuckles were turning white. She choked on those last few words as she spoke them, an inevitable sob escaping her throat. 

What happened next humiliated Asuka the most. Her strict facial expression, the tightened jaw and the firmness of her stance collapsed and she fell into herself sobbing loudly, unable to control the river of tears that exploded from her face. She buried her face in her shirt and sobbed into it. 

Shinji, who had been staring at her in shock, felt a sharp pain stab him in the chest. He had never seen Asuka cry in front of him before. Asuka never showed any signs of weakness, but here she was, barrelled over herself in a fit of emotions in front of him. He felt his body drawing him towards her, wanting so badly to help her. He felt horrified with himself for what he had done and still wasn’t able to completely comprehend what had just transpired. 

“Asuka...please...I’m sor--”

“Just shut up,” Asuka growled. “You’ve already done enough.”

With that, she turned and fled through the hallway, slamming the door behind her, rattling the walls.

Shinji stared dumbly after her, at the closed door. He could hear her running down the hallway until the sound of her footsteps completely faded, undoubtedly too far away to hear. 

Then he heard noise from the next room over. He heard the sound of couch springs creaking and the weight of light footsteps padding across the floor towards the exit. 

‘Oh no, Rei…’ 

A moment after that thought a small, blue haired girl appeared in his door way. He could barely make out her face in the poor lighting of the room, but he could clearly see the look of pain written across it. She slowly straightened up, taking a few deep and heavy breaths as if she were trying to calm herself. Much to Shinji’s dismay, a single drop of liquid streamed down Rei’s face, glimmering in the moonlight. 

Shinji felt his mind going numb, his lips trembling. 

“I’m...I’m sorry,” He whispered.

(To Be Continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asuka lays in bed at the end of the day, unable to sleep. She makes catty mental remarks about her assumptions of Shinji sleeping with Rei and is reminded of a memory of Shinji's that was shared with her during Instrumentality--the opening scene of End of Evangelion where in Shinji openly masterbated to Asuka over her hospital bed. Asuka, surprisingly aroused at the memory, decides that she will confirm that Shinji is more interested in her than Rei by sneaking into his room and testing his manhood while attempting to verify that he is indeed interested in her as a person, not simply using her body for his fantasies. Much to Asuka's despair, just as things are getting heated with Shinji, he rejects her offer for sex feeling that he's not ready for things to move so fast between them. Asuka takes this as a direct insult and sees it as him choosing Rei over her. Asuka storms out of the room leaving Shinji alone, unfortunately, because of all of the noise coming from his room, Rei has already heard everything and appears to be deeply hurt by what has transpired.


	9. You are Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka, feeling rejected by Shinji for the last time, has run away. Unfortunately for Shinji, Rei heard everything. Now he's got some quick thinking to do to try to patch the situation caused by thoughtless actions. What will become of Rei and Shinji now? Where is Asuka? Will Shinji be able to put this mess back together before it's too late?
> 
> AN: This chapter is meant to act as the first half to a two-part event. The chapter directly following this one will act as the second half.

Rei stood in the doorway silent, the single tear running down her chin and dripping onto the floor. She felt an incredible pain in her chest--she felt her throat tightening and her eyes burning. The feeling of crying itself was not unfamiliar to her, but the curdling pain grating inside of her heart and the blistering anger speared by the cold disappointment that followed, was. She felt herself swallow hard and found it incredibly difficult to do so. 

She saw Shinji move under his covers, gravitating to the edge of the bed. She felt a deep fear shake her body and quickly darted from the room--feeling the intense need to flee the situation and be alone. As she hurried down the hallway blindly, wiping the tears from her face--now puffy and hot--with her hand, she heard Shinji’s footsteps following quickly behind her. Rei picked up her pace, faster and faster, trying to escape Shinji. She was making a full sprint down the hall now and fast approaching a bright light. She leaped into the light, feeling the harsh wind slap her wet face and Shinji’s hand tighten around her arm, pulling her back. 

“Rei, stop!” He shouted.

Rei stood still, feeling her knees weaken beneath her as she stared at the ground, afraid to look Shinji in the face.

“I’m sorry…” He said again. “...Please look at me?”

Rei looked up slowly, facing Shinji. Her eyes were blurred with tears, distorting him. Her throat was sore and thick. She choked, gasping as a quiet sob escaped.

“Why…” She whispered. “She is so vile to you...but you’re addicted to it--to the way she treats you. I just want to see you happy. I don’t want to see her use you and then throw you away…”

Shinji stood there, unable to find the words to respond to Rei. He felt the gravity of her words drop in his stomach like a lead weight. Rei looked back down at her feet.

“I can’t be angry at you,” Rei whispered, her voice weak. “When I’m around you I feel different...I don’t know how to explain it or what it is that I’m feeling. I don’t understand it...but right now...it feels like I’m dying.”

“Rei…”

They stood for a long moment in complete silence. Shinji let go of Rei’s arm, letting it fall to her side. He had never seen Rei act this way. He felt pathetic--there were only two people on Earth right now besides himself and somehow he had managed to fuck it all up in one night with both of them.

“...Rei...I have to know...are you my sister?”

Rei looked up at him, her forehead wrinkled and her eyes full and red. Her unnatural blue hair fell over her face, damp strands sticking to her cheeks. She swallowed and parted her lips as if to speak.

“I am not human as you are or as the Second is… I was created artificially in a lab by Commander Gendo Ikari. I have died and been reborn multiple times. I was made to be expendable. The soul I was carved from is that of Yui Ikari. I was created in her likeness, I am one with her and she is one with me…”

“My mother…” Shinji breathed.

“Yes.”

“So you’re a copy...of my mother?”

Rei looked down again, burying herself in her words.

“I am a vessel...a fake person...I am neither completely human nor completely alien…”

“...You are not a fake person,” Shinji spoke, roughly, sounding offended and empathic towards the girl before him. “You are a wonderful person Rei and you are as real as I am. There is no one like you. I’m very happy you are here.”

Rei stared up at Shinji, looking into his eyes. She could see light bouncing off of them--his deep brown eyes looked glassy, as if he were holding back tears. Rei felt a warm, full explosion blossom in her chest. The feeling was so powerful it was almost painful, but it was also the most pleasant feeling she had ever felt. 

‘What is this feeling? She wondered. I have felt it before, but not this strong…it hurts, but I don’t want it to stop.’

She felt another entity scraping at her soul--a strong sense of familiarity. She reached her hand out for Shinji, coming close to his body and resting her head against his chest. 

The smell of him was familiar--like it came from her own memories--it made her feel comforted and safe. A brief memory crossed her mind--she sensed the memory was not her own but felt it personally, as if she were there. 

 

The sound of a small child crying, the smell of human blood and sweat. She felt a light weight being placed into her arms. She looked down, hearing the cries cease and made eye contact with the tiny person that she held. He stared back up at her with his full, brown eyes. It was like staring at a reflection of herself--such a familiar face, like she had always known him, though this was their first time meeting. She saw him smile up at her, his eyes squinting and his mouth parting as if to laugh. The feeling she felt in that moment was something she couldn’t explain--it was more powerful than anything she had ever experienced in her life. 

Rei remembered looking into Shinji’s eyes. They were the same brown eyes from her memory. She remembered how he smiled at her--how he smiled at Yui--and Rei too felt that incredible feeling flood her body. 

She felt at peace. She knew then that no matter what happened, Shinji would make the right choices for himself. That in the end, everything would be alright. 

‘This is enough,’ Rei thought, smiling against Shinji’s body as he tightened his arms around her.

(To Be Continued...)


	10. What Must Be Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji, after making amends with Rei, goes out in search of Asuka. What they discover when they find her could mean the difference between life and death. Time is running out, a decision must be made. 
> 
> AN: This is meant to act as a part two to the previous chapter.  
> Shinji's struggle to mend a difficult situation.

Asuka was sitting alone in a ruined structure several miles from where she left Shinji, her face buried in her knees, which she hugged tightly to her chest. Her shirt lay forgotten on the ground beside her. Her face felt raw and numb--she was unable to cry anymore. Her body was aching and her bandaged eye was burning. She looked down at her wounded arm, which had been covered by her shirt previously--it was bright red and hot. The wound was splotched with purple and yellow, it was also swollen twice the size of the surrounding, unaffected area. Her entire arm was racked with pain now. She felt the pain pulsating through her body, and grabbed the underside of her arm, throwing her head back and gritting her teeth as she was overcome by a wave of agony and nausea. Her skin burned, she felt herself sweating and becoming exhausted. This problem had been persisting since she awoke into this world after Instrumentality, but she had been so distracted before now by Shinji and Rei that she had almost forgotten about the pain. Now that she was alone again, it tortured her relentlessly. 

“Fucking asshole...and to think, I almost gave my virginity to someone so insensitive and stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?”

She cried out in pain, squeezing the underside of her arm and curling in on herself. She started panting as beads of dripped down her body. She felt herself shiver violently as a cold, strong gust of wind swept under her.   
She let herself weakly fall onto the ground below her, arm outstretched, her hair falling over her face. 

‘I’m so dizzy… Scheisse...I just want to sleep and be left alone,’ She thought. ‘...I’m better off this way. I’m always alone anyways.’

Shinji had decided he needed to go look for Asuka and try to mend the situation with her somehow, even though the idea of doing so terrified him, he felt like it had to be done. Rei agreed, trusting Shinji’s choices, and they both began wandering out of the apartment room, calling for her.

“Asuka!” Shinji shouted. “Asuka, please come out… I know you probably hate me now, if hating me anymore than you already did is even possible… but we have to stick together here, you know? We’re all we’ve got.”

Rei followed him closely behind as they walked, as the hallway they were walking through was so dark she couldn’t see anything. She held the back of Shinji’s shirt in her small hand, gripping it tightly. 

They eventually made it outside. Shinji felt Rei shiver violently as the cold wind hit her body, blowing up her skirt. He pulled her around to the side of him and put his arm around hers, rubbing it with his hand, trying to keep her warm. 

“Asuka!” He yelled out as he walked the desolate streets. “Look, I know you’re mad at me! I’d be mad at me too! But what I did was wrong, you’re right, I am an idiot… I didn’t mean to say what I did, I wasn’t thinking and...it came out wrong...I just want to talk to you. Please answer me if you’re there.”

He listened--there was no response, just the silence of the streets and the sound of the wind howling in the distance. 

“What if we can’t find her?” Rei asked, looking up at Shinji.

“We will find her… she couldn’t have gone too far…”

‘Or could she have?’ Shinji was unsure of himself as he answered.

Rei and Shinji walked for a long time, searching each building they passed--Shinji searching one while Rei searched the other--calling for Asuka. After several hours Shinji was starting to lose hope, until he heard Rei call for him from across the street.

He ran over to her, following her into a ruined building.

The walls of the building were torn away, the ceiling collapsed leaving a gaping hole through which light poured into the area. The wooden floorboards of the room were ripped up from the ground and there were piles of debris and rubble everywhere they stepped. In the far left corner of the room, covered by shadow, laid Asuka’s pale body--naked from the waist up and unmoving. Shinji felt his heart drop and a sickening hollowness fill his stomach. Asuka’s stillness tortured him with panic and dread. 

Shinji cursed.

“Oh shit…” 

As they neared her, they noticed her outstretched arm, red and swollen, laid out before her on the dirty ground. She was glistening with sweat, her damp, red hair sticking to her body. Shinji fell onto his knees and lifted her into his arms. 

“She’s soaked!” He exclaimed. “And burning up…”

He heard Asuka panting in his arms, taking shallow, weak breaths. He ran his hand across the side of her face. She was unconscious, but alive. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Shinji asked, his voice growing uneasy with anxiety.

“She’s ill,” Rei stated simply. “It’s her wound...it’s infected.”

“Will she be okay?”

“If we don’t do something soon she will die.”

“Shit...Asuka…”

He looked up at Rei, his face intense and serious.

“What can we do?”

Rei paused for a moment before speaking.

“We will have to perform an operation. That arm has to go and that eye has to be treated…”

“Her arm has to go? But we’re not doctors Rei! I don’t even know the first thing about performing surgery...you want us to amputate her arm without any anesthetic? That’s crazy!”

“Indeed, but if you want to save her life, it’s the only option.”

He looked down at her, distraught. Her lips parted and her brows furrowed. She looked so weak and sick--pale and covered in her own sweat. 

‘How long has she been dealing with this?’ Shinji wondered.

“She’ll never let us do this…she’d rather die… I just know it,” He stated.

“...she won’t have that choice,” Rei said.

Shinji looked up at Rei with wide eyes, surprised by the sharpness of her voice. She seemed to be intent on going through with the decision she had made.

“Rei…” 

Shinji looked back down at Asuka who lay in his arms, completely unaware of what was about to happen to her. 

“I’m sorry Asuka, but this is something that we have to do. You’ll make it through this, I promise.”

 

(To Be Continued...)


	11. Operation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Shinji attempt to save Asuka's life. 
> 
> AN: I am not a doctor nor have I ever gone to med-school. The information here may be incorrect or inaccurate, sorry, I did some research but without proper education or experience it's impossible for me to give great detail with 100% accuracy on this. I gave it my best shot! I still hope you can imagine and enjoy it.

“Rei, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Shinji asked, his voice laced with panic. 

He was sweating and his hands were shaking. He ran a trembling hand through his thick brown hair, exhaling loudly, trying to calm his nerves. 

Asuka was lying, strapped down to a wooden kitchen table that had been draped with a thin, white bed sheet. Shinji and Rei had pushed this table from another room into the center of the apartment room they had been camping out in. Asuka was fading in and out of consciousness, ignorant to her situation. Occasionally she would mumble incomprehensible words or her eyelid would flutter momentarily. Everytime she spoke or attempted to open her eyes her torso would rise and fall, her back arching and her arms and legs moving in their restraints. 

‘What if she wakes up?’ Shinji worried.

“I have had advanced mandatory medical training as part of my education as a pilot,” Rei responded to Shinji’s earlier inquiry.

Shinji looked up at her.

“Have you ever done this kind of thing on someone before?”

She was lying all of the implements out on a countertop beside her onto a clean towel--implements which consisted of metal wire, a few kitchen knives, a large plastic bag, clean rags, gauze and turmeric root powder--objects Shinji had been made to ransack several stores around the area for. A pot of 99% rubbing alcohol sat on the counter ,it’s contents making waves with every small movement on the floor below.

“No,” Rei said, answering Shinji’s question.

Shinji’s eyes grew wide. He tightened his jaw, rubbing his face absently. His mind started to run wild.

‘Shit, we’re really going in blind aren’t we? God, I really hope this works. We could actually end up killing Asuka today.’

Rei looked up at him. He was chewing on his bottom lip so much it was beginning to bleed and become irritated. She could see beads of sweat forming on his forehead and the tightness in his jaw. He was running a shaky hand over the back of his neck, under his hairline, and trying to even his breathing. He was clearly panicking.

“Go wash your hands,” Rei instructed.

“Huh? Oh! Y-Yeah, right.”

When he came back she ordered him to tie Asuka’s arm under the armpit as tightly as he could. He felt himself getting nauseous, realizing that there was no going back, this was really about to happen--they were about to start sawing into Asuka’s arm while she was unmediated and fully capable of waking up. 

“I-I can’t do this…”

Rei shot him a stern look.

“Would you do this for me if I were dying?”

He was silent.

“Tie her arm as tightly as possible please.”

Shinji stood motionless for a moment seeming to be wrestling with his own consciousness before doing as he was told.

Rei wiped the area right before the part of Asuka’s arm that was to be amputated with a rag drenched in alcohol. Shinji watched closely as Rei set the rag down and picked up the first cutting implement. 

“Please hold her arm up...and be prepared for her to react to this,” Rei told him.

Shinji did as he was told. He looked at Asuka, whose eyebrows were furrowed and face scrunched up in pain. She was covered in her own sweat, now drenching the bed sheet beneath her. He felt her shiver violently beneath him.  
Rei pressed the blade to Asuka’s skin, Shinji watched in horror as blood poured out of Asuka’s flesh, then tasting bile in his mouth, turned away to avoid vomiting. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as possible. He began chanting a familiar phrase to himself mentally--’I mustn’t run away.’ He tasted rust in his mouth. Under him Asuka began thrashing wildly, screaming and cursing. 

His eyes popped open and he stared at her, unable to look away. She was screaming so loudly and terribly--all he wanted to do was cover his ears and run away. Her eyes were wide open, the whites of her eyes bright red. She was crying--her face, was covered in sweat and tears. She had a look of shock and horror on her face, unable to understand what was happening to her. She started begging and moaning between her cries. Shinji felt a lump forming in his throat, his vision becoming spotted and narrow. His face felt numb. 

“Ahh! Schluss damit!”

She was thrashing against the restraints, causing the table to jump with the force of her body. Shinji could smell blood thick in the air. He felt a hot liquid dripping down the hand that gripped Asuka’s arm, now going cold. Asuka made eye contact with him.  
She spat at him and screamed in her native tongue, her eyes thick with hatred and agony. Asuka started to choke on her sobs, struggling for air. He could see her eyes rolling back in her head and her face going pale.

Shinji felt her body weakening below him and the arm he was holding suddenly felt lighter as if it had shrunk. He heard a sickening ‘thump’ to the right of him as something soft hit the table. Automatically he looked over at the source of the sound.  
The table was covered in blood and the flesh of Asuka’s wounded arm was pure white where it wasn’t covered in the grotesque infection. It slowly rolled on the table from side to side, oozing a thick, dark liquid. He could see all of the muscles, tendons, fat and bone in Asuka’s arm--it looked like it’d been ripped apart from her body like pulled taffy. In his hands he was holding her arm from just before the elbow down. Her arm was as cold as ice and his hands were shaking violently as they tightened around it. He felt himself dry heave and lean over the table, eyes blinking rapidly as he stared at the floor, struggling to control himself. Rei pressed something tightly to the remainder of Asuka’s arm. Shinji felt the sharp edges of a plastic bag touching his hand. Rei’s voice came loud, startling Shinji.

“Untie her, move her to the bed.”

Shinji snapped back to reality, forcing himself to ignore the intense feeling of nausea that racked his body. He began undoing Asuka’s arm restraints. She was sickly--glistening and as white as paper. Her mouth was parted, her uncovered eye half open--her iris and pupil appearing to be glazed with a thick white coating. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Shinji yelled, his voice sounding strained and weak. 

Rei was tightening the bag around Asuka’s arm and untying the knot Shinji had made earlier to reduce blood flow. 

“She’s experiencing a vasovagal presyncope, otherwise known as fainting. She needs water, salt and time to recover. Prop her legs up.”

Shinji did as he was instructed. After he freed her from her restraints he scooped Asuka into his arms. Her lips weakly moved, as if she were attempting to talk but no sound left her mouth. She felt cool and moist to the touch. Shinji laid her down on the bed, covering her from neck down with a bed sheet from the couch. He propped Asuka's feet up with a couch cushion.   
He stood, frozen in front of Asuka, staring at her lifeless body on the bed.

A memory briefly entered his mind at the sight--he had seen Asuka like this before. He remembered the sounds of a hospital--the soft beeping of a machine, the bright white lights filling the room. He saw Asuka’s pale, soft breasts rising and falling gently and remembered the tips of them blushed with a small, pink nipple. He remembered holding her breasts under his palms in the bedroom with Asuka and he remembered the sound of her moaning in his ears. 

He cursed, looking away, angry at himself for allowing such perverted memories to fill his head at a time like this. 

Rei walked over to Asuka then and began pulling the bandages away from her face. As Rei lifted the last piece of gauze that covered Asuka’s eye, Shinji felt his stomach sink. Asuka’s eye had a huge, puffy purple ring under it and her eyelid was a deep   
rouge. Rei gently lifted the skin of Asuka’s eyelid with her middle finger, exposing her eye. 

The white of Asuka’s eye was now a deep red, the center of her eye glazed with a blue-white film. 

“Can she see through it?”

“No, more than likely.”

Shinji felt his heart rate increasing at the sight and his stomach turning. Quickly, he gripped the bed for support, his hands shaking. A vile taste filled his mouth and he felt himself reeling.

‘Oh shit,’ he thought, before running to the kitchen sink and vomiting all over it. 

(To Be Continued...)


	12. Weakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Shinji have just performed a life saving operation on Asuka, unfortunately at the expense of her body and possibly her psyche. How will Asuka respond when she awakens? And what's this intense need clawing at Asuka's insides? 
> 
> AN: This chapter includes graphic adult situations that are sexual in nature. If you do not wish to read this please see my summary at the bottom of the chapter in the 'notes' section. Thank you!

Asuka felt a strange weightlessness to her body--as if she were a leaf falling from a tree--slowly and patiently. She felt her body breathing--her chest rising and falling. She felt as if there were a delay in every moment she made, as if there were a stutter in reality itself. She attempted to open her eyes--a bright white light reflecting back in them. As she came to the pain returned, first in the form of a pounding headache and then in a pulsating throbbing which flooded her body like a tidal wave. She went to reach for her head as she leaned over, groaning, and then realized which some shock that her arm didn’t follow through with the movements. She looked down to her right, expecting to see her damaged arm there, but instead there was nothing. She started to panic, feeling her heart rate galloping in her chest and her breath coming faster and shallower. 

‘Where the hell is my arm? Where the hell is my arm? What the fuck is going on?’ She repeated in her head over and over again.

Then a voice spoke, deep and clean, breaking her from her mental loop.

“Asuka? How are you feeling?”

She looked up, feeling an intense pain in the side of her face as she did so. She grit her teeth at the pain and squinted, attempting to make out the face before her in the dim white, moonlight illuminating the room.

It was Shinji.

He was sitting on a chair next to Asuka’s bedside, one hand on the bed and the other in his lap. Momentarily, Asuka forgot about the fact that she was angry at him and was simply happy to see him there, but reality came crashing back as her memory returned.

“Where the fuck is my arm?” She growled.

“...It’s gone Asuka. I’m sorry. We had to remove it or you would have died from your injuries--it was really badly infected. You were so sick.”

Asuka’s eyes widened, a look of horror on her face at the realization of what had happened. 

‘So that pain I felt wasn’t just a bad dream then…’ She thought.

She sat there, silent for a moment, afraid to even look down and see her arm missing again. She felt a hot stream of liquid drip down her face and reached up to touch it with her left hand. She stared at her fingers--the liquid was clear.

“What does my eye look like?” She said. “I can’t see out of it...is there something covering it?”

“No.”

Shinji’s voice came, low and gentle but full of regret. He sounded like he pitied her and this made Asuka’s blood boil. She grinded her teeth in her mouth nervously, the hot liquid exploding faster and more often from her face. 

“Asuka--”

“Shut up!” She yelled, looking up at Shinji through her blurred vision. “You did this to me! I don’t want your sympathy or your pity! I don’t even want to look at myself...I wish you had let me die!”

Shinji’s face fell, he looked pitiful. His lips were trembling. His mouth parted slightly and a tiny voice came out.

“I couldn’t.”

Asuka glared at him. 

“Why? I look like some deformed monster! I would rather have died than gone on living like this! I’m right handed Shinji, did you know that?” She laughed hysterically through the sobs that strangled her. “What am I supposed to do now? Watch you and Rei be all happily ever after together while I rot alone and helpless? How am I supposed to do anything like this…no arm or eye… You never even asked me. I might as well be a vegetable! You...You’re a selfish coward and I hate you!”

Asuka reached out her left arm, her whole body falling forward as she swung at Shinji.

“Asuka stop!” Shinji yelled, grabbing her wrist and holding her body back with his other hand on her right shoulder. “What are you talking about? You don’t understand anything! There’s nothing going on between me and Rei!”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot Shinji! I saw you two together...holding hands...she offered to share a bed with you.. you didn’t even deny that you were sleeping together when I brought it up! What a sick bastard you are… you’ll do whatever you please to my body and then when I’m not good enough for you you’ll go and stick it in her!”

Shinji looked appalled--his face frozen in shock before the realization slowly surfaced as Asuka’s words sunk in. 

“Asuka, Rei and I have never had sex… actually, I've never had sex with anyone…”   
Shinji admitted sheepishly.

Asuka sat silent for a moment before mumbling something under her breath so quietly that Shinji had to ask her to repeat it.

“Are you hard of hearing or something? I said you're a fucking liar! You're trying to save your ass.”

“Asuka--”

“I don't know what you see in that weirdo anyway--”

“Asuka…”

“She's the most boring person I've ever known!” 

“Asuka! Be quiet for a minute would you? Sheesh!”

Asuka immediately grew quiet, looking at Shinji in surprise and also mild irritation.

“Why do you care so much?” Shinji asked, simply.

Asuka said nothing.

“If you hate me so much anyway why does it matter if I'm with Rei? I thought you didn't care. Unless… you're jealous of her.” 

Asuka jumped back to life, cringing openly at Shinji’s words. She felt her cheeks and ears burning in humiliation. 

“Ha! As if! Jealous of the wonderbitch... Over you? Get over yourself already!”

“Asuka, why do you deny the truth? Did you just think I forgot about the other night? Why did you come into my room…?” 

Asuka huffed, looking away. She lied through her teeth.

“Because I was bored!”

“So…’I want you to fuck me’ is just something you say to anyone when you're bored then?”

Asuka was shaking, her jaw taut and her hand clenched into a tight fist. She was starting to scramble for excuses. As she opened her mouth to respond the front door to the apartroom creaked and opened. Rei stepped inside with another plastic bag on her arm. Shinji and Asuka immediately distanced themselves, looking away quickly. They were both flushed bright red.  
Shinji stood up after a moment and walked over to Rei, helping her unload the bag. 

He looked over at Asuka through narrowed eyes for a brief moment. He felt his jaw clenching as he looked at her, a burning sensation boiling in his chest, his nose burning.

For once he actually allowed himself to be angry at her. She was being defiant and lying to his face and to herself. There was something she was trying to cover up and it pissed Shinji off to no end that after all they had been through together, no matter how much he tried to keep his calm and simply talk to her, she still had her walls up.

Asuka, on the other hand, was sitting on the bed staring down at the remainder of her arm, which was wrapped in gauze and tied in a plastic bag. She was blistering with hatred at the fact that Rei and Shinji had made such a drastic decision without so much as asking her first. She was actually afraid to find out how bad her eye looked. She couldn't see anything out of it except for when she looked into very bright lights, only then could she see the faint ghost of a shadowy outline. Her battle with the Eva series had left her body badly mangled even after the rebirth following Instrumentality. A part of Asuka loathed the fact that she could have possibly saved her arm if the proper care and supplies had been available to her. 

‘And what’s gotten into Shinji, thinking he has the right to talk to me like that?’

She frowned. A small voice in the back of her head taunted her, reminding her of how much she enjoyed fooling around with him the other night. She bit her bottom lip.

‘He doesn’t deserve me...but why do I still feel this way? I’m just like Misato…a sex fiend.’

She stared up at Shinji and Rei standing together at the counter, sorting through the supplies. Shinji, feeling Asuka staring at him looked up and made eye contact with her. He was surprised by the look on her face. He was expecting to catch her glaring at him and then quickly look away, snarling under her breath, but instead she held a very intense, hungry look. He felt the blood rushing to his face and between his legs at the sight. Even with her hair a matted mess and her wounded eye and arm, she still had some wild animalistic attraction to her that Shinji found difficult to explain. He looked away, gritting his teeth, trying not to give in, knowing full well that it would lead him nowhere. 

‘What is she thinking about?’ Shinji wondered.

After a moment Asuka spoke, pulling the covers off of herself and standing up.

“I’m going to take a bath,” she announced.

She started for the door, turning the knob and letting the door fly open into the dark hallway. She looked over her shoulder at Shinji. 

“Well, are you coming?” 

 

Asuka was finding it to be quite difficult to wash herself with only her left hand. Attempting to untangle her hair by herself was frustrating even with a brush. She growled angrily as she struggled with a knot at the back of her head and eventually screamed, chucking the brush onto the pebbled ground surrounding the pond. She stared at it, fuming and shivered as a gust of wind blew past her. It was almost growing too cold outside to comfortably bathe.

After a few moments in complete stillness, hearing nothing but the sound of her own breathing and the water dripping slowly off of her body, she heard a soft, low voice humming to the right of her. She leaned her head in the direction of the sound. It was gentle and calm--much too low to be Rei’s voice. Asuka waded through the water slowly attempting to follow the sound without being detected. She crouched down low in the water, huddling right up next to a bush, feeling it’s long roots graze the undersides of her feet. She peeked through a small opening in the bush and tried to steady her breathing. She could feel her heart jumping in her chest and her face prickling as blood filled her cheeks. She bit her bottom lip and scanned the area through the branches. 

Shinji stood before her, in full nudity, wading slowly through the water.

His body was long and slim, his muscles lean but surprisingly more defined than Asuka remembered. His skin was a warm beige with a hint of gold. His brown hair was wet--but spiked out as if he had run his hands through it. She followed the contours of his back as the moonlight hit it. His spine was bony and his shoulder blades prominent. Right above his ass, in the curve of his hips were two small dimples. The tops of his buttcheeks reflected light, his silhouette showing off the curvature in them, which was more exaggerated than most men. Asuka did remember observing in plugsuit that Shinji had quite a curvy body for a young man, more typical of a very thin lady. This would have been a point of ridicule for her had she not thought raising attention to the fact that she’d stared at Shinji’s ass coming back to bite her. He turned around then, slowly, still humming and ran his hands through his hair, water trickling down his back. He threw his head back and let out a long sigh as he did this, closing his eyes. Asuka felt herself growing hot and uncomfortable as she watched. She started to become nervous that she’d get caught and moved away quickly from the sight mentally slapping herself as she paced around the pond. 

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed her brush, still laying face up on the stone shore right before the water. Slowly she made her way over to it and picked it up, staring at it, turning it over in her hand, lost in thought.

‘I shouldn't do this,’ she thought. ‘It'll give him something to hold over me… and something to gloat about, I'm sure.’

Her fist tightened around the brush and then she started wading towards Shinji’s side of the pond. She took a deep breath trying to steady her nerves and appear in control and collected, before stepping out in full view of Shinji. Asuka was bare-naked, the water only covering her right before her groin. She watched as Shinji’s expression turned to one of shock and then embarrassment. His hands darted down to his crotch as if to cover something. His face turned blood red.

“A-Asuka! What the hell? I’m naked over here you know!”

Asuka smirked, her hand on her hip, still grasping the brush. She pushed her breasts out in the movement, exaggerating her curves. She held the brush out towards him.

“Well, since you all took it upon yourselves to cut off my arm without asking I think it’s also your responsibility to wash me and brush my hair! Or are you just going to prove to me how selfish and cowardly you are?”

Shinji stood there for a moment with his brows furrowed, still covering himself, as he stared at Asuka. Asuka felt herself beginning to grow nervous at his hesitation but tried to bury it. After a moment Shinji nodded and looked away, giving Asuka her cue to come closer.

Asuka handed Shinji the brush and turned around. She felt both of his hands go up into her hair, one threading through the underside and the other held the brush on top. Asuka winced as Shinji struggled with the knot at the back of her head.

“Ow! Fucker! Don’t yank it!” 

“Sorry… I can’t get it out.”

Asuka made an irritated face and rolled her eyes, crossing her arm over her chest. Eventually, Shinji got the knot out and began brushing the rest of her hair, which generally slid through the brush like silk. Asuka felt her shoulders relaxing and closed her eyes briefly. After a while, he stopped brushing and asked if Asuka still wanted him to wash her, to which she responded in a sassy, degrading manner.

“What do you think?”

Shinji looked around confused for a moment.

“Do you have any soap or anything to wash with?”

“I can only carry so many things at one time Shinji. I wasn’t about to put a soap bar in my mouth.”

“So what am I supposed to wash you with?”

“Figure it out, idiot. Must I spell everything out for you all the time?”

Shinji paused for a moment seeming to be debating with himself before walking away and then coming back with something in his hand. Asuka heard a plastic tube squirting a thick liquid out and heard him rubbing his hands together vigorously.   
She jumped at the feeling of the cold goop on his hands being slapped onto her back. He rubbed in small circles across her shoulder blades and down her spine, creating a thick lather over her skin. She felt his hands shaking slightly on her back and felt him avoiding her hip area. She smirked and backed up into him then, pressing her backside into his hips. She heard him gasp and felt something hard poking her. She felt the blood fill her face and bit her lip, wiggling her hips under him. 

“A-Asuka...what are you…?”

“What, were you just going to avoid my hips and ass? Are you scared or something? Man up and finish what you started.”

She heard Shinji begin to respond but then bite his tongue. 

Behind her, Shinji was struggling to keep his composure. His face was red with embarrassment and his heart was pounding in his ears. He knew Asuka must have felt his arousal when she backed up into him. Why was she teasing him like this? She always acted like she hated him except for when she wanted something from him. 

Shinji tried to stare over Asuka’s shoulder, attempting to distract himself as his hands slid down Asuka’s hips. She had a tiny waist that gave way into a full, toned bottom. He released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, feeling himself getting light headed. His hands slipped down to her ass and he shivered involuntarily. He thought he heard Asuka moan, but it was so quiet he assumed he imagined it. He moved down under the curve of her buttcheeks and her hips moved under him, her back arching into his touch, pushing her ass closer to his body. He felt her shake under him and let out another soft moan. Shinji’s eyes widened. He suddenly became incredibly aware of how close he was to her forbidden area. He felt himself clamming up. 

Asuka pressed her whole body into him then, closing the space between them.

He pushed back into her and heard an unexpected moan escape his own lips.

He let his hands move down in between her inner thighs, creating small circular motions as he rubbed the area there but being careful to avoid going any higher. Asuka mumbled something incomprehensible. When he didn’t respond, she spoke again, louder. 

“Wash the soap off of your hands Shinji…” she murmured. 

He did as he was told. Unsure as to what she wanted he put his hand right back where it was, on her leg. She sighed, a wide smirk on her face, as she pushed her head back into his chest, lifting herself onto her toes. The movement caused Shinji’s fingers to lightly graze the outside of Asuka’s womanhood. He felt a thick, hot moisture drip onto his fingers and gasped jerking away immediately, swallowing hard.

“I-I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!” He choked, his voice squeaking.

Asuka made an irritated growling sound in the back of her throat and grabbed Shinji’s hand yanking it back under her. He jumped at her unexpected reaction and forcefulness. He panted--his body was tingling all over with a radiating heat. He pressed his burning cheeks into Asuka’s shoulder. His mind was spinning--he felt like he was being possessed--but it felt so good he let it happen anyway, pushing the possible repercussions to the back of his mind. 

Daringly, he let his fingers trail along the lips of Asuka’s womanhood again. She gasped, grabbing Shinji’s wrist tightly for support, which was hugging the curve of her hip. 

The feeling from the other night returned--the intoxication he’d felt--the wild, aggressive beast that clawed at his body threatening to rip free. He leaned over the curve in Asuka’s neck and began milking it with kisses, his fingers still dancing with the delicate skin in between Asuka’s legs. Asuka let out several strangled moans at the feeling. She seemed to be struggling to hold herself back, not wanting to allow Shinji control over her. Impulsively, he sucked the soft skin on Asuka’s neck and received a loud, erotic cry from her in response. 

“Dammit…” She gasped through her clenched jaw. 

Asuka could feel herself becoming weak, her knees buckling under the powerful waves of pleasure that wracked her body. Her mind was becoming a confusing mess between hot and cold. She was clenching her jaw together so tightly now that it was becoming painful. She felt her fist tighten around Shinji’s wrist. She was struggling to stay in control of the situation. She didn’t want him to start assuming the dominant role--after all, she was using him for her pleasure not the other way around. She was holding her breath in an attempt to hold in her moans and keep her panting quiet and shallow. She didn’t want to let him know how much this was affecting her. 

Suddenly she felt a deep heat burn into her stomach as Shinji’s finger slipped inside her. What she felt was indescribably more intense than when she had done it to herself, alone. She tightened her legs around his hand and gasped loudly at the feeling. A part of her was cursing angrily at Shinji for assuming that he could violate her like that without her permission but another part of her was screaming in euphoria at the sensation.

Her body was craving this--the affection, the extreme pleasure it brought her, the fullness it gave her--it was like a drug. Shinji’s finger slid deeper, triggering a spot in Asuka that made her body feel like pudding. He made small circles around the area, applying pressure. Asuka felt her insides rising towards something--a pleasure that grew with intensity for every moment of Shinji’s finger. She was vaguely aware that Shinji’s hips were thrusting against the skin of her backside and that she was panting heavily, aloud now.

Then, without warning, something exploded inside of her--a feeling so intense and wonderful that it was almost painful. She cried out, unable to stop herself, her body arching automatically while her head was thrown back against Shinji’s body. She heard him gasp and cry out loudly in her ears seconds after she did. 

They both stood still in the water moments afterwards, regaining their composure.

As Asuka gradually crashed from her orgasmic high reality came crashing back to her. Anxiety welled up inside of her, dread seeping into her lower abdomen like a poison. She felt violated and humalitated. She had never orgasmed in front of anyone before and certainly hadn’t anticipated the first person experiencing it being the very person that had caused it in that moment. The very person that caused her so much pain all the time. It felt like she’d been burned and had something precious stolen from her. 

‘I have to get away,’ She panicked.

As Shinji came to, having made a mess all over Asuka’s right buttcheek and thigh, he also became aware of how still and uncomfortably quiet Asuka was under him. He felt a looming sense of guilt wash over him.

‘Why is she so quiet? Did I do something wrong? I shouldn’t have let myself get so carried away…’

Then, Shinji heard Rei’s voice in the distance, calling his name. Asuka must have heard it too for she ripped herself away from Shinji with such aggressiveness that it shocked him. 

“Asuka?” 

She didn’t respond, picking up her pace as Shinji continued to call out her name. It almost felt like she was running away from him. 

‘Did I hurt her?’ Shinji wondered, concerned with Asuka’s sudden coldness. 

He stood frozen in the middle of the pond, his toes buried into the sandy ground below.   
Then, he was jerked out of his trance by the sound of Rei’s voice calling his name again, now much louder as she drew nearer to him.

He stumbled out of the water and onto the shore, quickly pulling his pants and shirt over his still-wet body. He ran his wet hands over his face, breathing into his palms, trying to conceal any evidence of what had just occurred. He tried to block it out of his mind, preparing to speak to Rei. He heard soft footsteps pad across the ground behind him. 

He turned around to face her. 

She was standing before him, holding something at her side. She raised her hand to him, lifting the object into view.

“Shinji...I found--”

Shinji felt his eyes widen. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Held firmly in Rei’s small hand, was a very familiar red jacket with orange and black bands on the shoulders, the fabric stained with blood. He felt a knot tightening in his throat at the sight.

‘How?’

Thoughtlessly, a name escaped his lips then in the form of a breathless whisper as he stared, captivated by the weight of what he was seeing.

“Misato…”

(To Be Continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asuka awakens from her emergency surgery and realizes that she no longer has an arm or an eye. She and Shinji get into an argument over Shinji's "selfishness" as Asuka calls it. Shinji's words however, claw at Asuka's mind, and she begins to realize that she and Misato weren't so different after all. Later, while bathing, Asuka makes a bold move and asks Shinji to brush her hair out for her and wash her body which develops into much more than either of them had ever anticipated. Afterwards, Asuka is left feeling hollow and used. Feeling disgusted with herself for allowing it to happen, she flees the situation just as Rei is calling for Shinji and fast approaching. Shinji, having little time to think or react quickly changes into his clothes, leaving Asuka to disappear, wordless, from sight. Rei shows Shinji a startling discovery that she has made--the jacket of Shinji's old guardian--Misato Katsuragi.


	13. The Implications of our Actions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka pulls away after feeling herself losing control over her own situation. Rei has made an incredible discovery that fills Shinji with hope, but on their search for the source connected to that discovery Shinji also discovers something shocking about Rei herself. Shinji is reminded that things are not always as they seem.

Asuka sat by herself again, naked by the water’s edge, shrouded by tall overgrowth. She picked the brush off of the ground and stared at it for a long moment before throwing it down with as much force as she could muster. Her head was pounding.

She covered her eyes with her hand, curling in on herself. 

“What in hell is wrong with me?” She mumbled.

In the moment of the act, Asuka always got some kind of sadistic pleasure out of fooling around with Shinji. But the feeling she was left with afterwards was a hollow, devastating crash. She couldn’t understand why she felt this way--why couldn’t she just fool around with Shinji and feel nothing afterwards? Why did she always feel so used?

‘He rejected me before...he’s just using me too, the same way that I’m using him...but I don’t know what else it is that I’m expecting...I don’t know how to make this feeling go away.’

As she was sitting, lost in thought, she heard Shinji calling her name and two sets of footsteps approaching rapidly. Asuka quickly grabbed her clothes and dusted the sand off, struggling to dress herself.

“Asuka!” Shinji called, as he ran up behind her.

Asuka turned around to face him, just as she was pulling her shirt down, trying to hide the look of disappointment on her face. Rei was standing to Shinji’s right. 

Shinji held something out to Asuka, saying, “Look.”

In Shinji’s hand was a very familiar, red crumpled jacket, stained in blood. Asuka felt a chill run through her body at the sight.

“Is that…”

“...Misato’s jacket…” Shinji finished. “Asuka, do you know what this means? They’re coming back--everyone is! Misato, she must be here somewhere!”

‘Great, Asuka thought, ‘if Misato comes back into the picture she’ll start treating me like a kid again…’

Shinji felt happier than he’d felt in a long time, he could feel the warmth spreading through his body. He felt hope and comfort at the idea that Misato might be nearby. 

“We have to look for her--she couldn’t have gone far if her jacket is here right?”

Shinji started back towards the location Rei said she found the jacket at to begin his search, while Rei followed him close behind. After walking a few feet Rei glanced back at Asuka, catching her gaze.  
Asuka glared at her.

‘What? What do you want bitch?’

Rei stared at Asuka as if she were seeing through her--reading her thoughts--hearing her curse at her. Asuka thought she saw Rei narrow her eyes back at her before slowly turning her attention back to Shinji. Asuka clenched her jaw, feeling her blood boil. She felt a touch of nervousness and caught herself wondering for a moment if somehow Rei did know about what Shinji and her did in the pond or in his room, or worse--how upset Asuka felt about the whole thing. 

.

“This was the place,” Rei said simply as Shinji approached the outside of a small collapsed building. 

The building was dark--the walls looking like they had been ripped away from each other by a wind storm.  
Shinji walked around the outside of the structure frantically looking for any sign of life.

“Misato!” He called. “Misato, where are you?”

He stepped inside the building, coughing as he kicked up dust. He could barely see anything in here--just faint reflections of light surfaces. 

“Misato?” He whispered.

No response. 

After a moment he reappeared outside, making eye contact with Rei. Then, looking around he suddenly realized something was missing.

“Where’s Asuka?”

“She didn’t follow.”

Shinji looked behind Rei, towards the direction they left Asuka, biting his bottom lip--concentrating.

‘Asuka...she’s mad at me again. But everytime I try to talk to her about how she feels she just insults me and closes up. Should I even go look for her?’

Rei was staring down to her right, at the ground. She felt Shinji’s eyes looking over her and not seeing the trees and brush behind her. She knew something had happened again between him and Asuka. The way Asuka had looked at Shinji when she turned around--defeated and used, like a wounded animal--was not a look Asuka was familiar with. Rei noticed how flustered Shinji looked putting his clothes on before she stepped into view by the pond. He put his clothes on hurriedly, still soaked, and ran his hands across his face as if trying to relieve some feeling. Rei had meant what she had said about trusting Shinji to make the right decisions for himself, but she couldn’t help the sickening feeling growing in her stomach as unwanted thoughts invaded her mind. 

 

Suddenly, a strong, icy wind ripped across them causing Shinji--whose clothing was still damp--to shake violently in response. 

‘Shit, why is it so cold all of a sudden?’ He wondered, staring up at the sky while holding his arms tightly to his chest. 

A small white flake descended from the black, night sky then, dancing in the moonlight and shimmering like glass. In moments, a light dusting of similar flakes followed. Shinji felt something cold and wet land on the tip of his nose. He jumped slightly, surprised by the sensation. 

“Wh-What is this? Is it water?”

He held out his hands and stared down into them as white flakes landed on them, disappearing as they melted into the heat of his skin.

“No...it’s like ice…but it’s coming from the sky.”

“Snow,” Rei corrected him.

Shinji looked up at her, surprised. His lips parted.

“Snow?” He repeated, quietly, confused by the word that left his lips.

“Yes...I’ve seen it in my dreams… it covered everything like a white blanket.”

Rei looked down at her open hands as snowflakes fell into them. She had an intense sense of deja vu. She remembered looking down at these open hands in her dream and catching snow flakes in them as she was now. Her hands were longer in the dream, like the hands of a woman, and her fingertips were flushed a bright pink. She remembered the numbness that she had felt in her hands in the dream. It was painful but not unbearable. She remembered feeling happy as she stared at her hands, watching as the snow decorated them. 

Rei looked up, making eye contact with Shinji. Snow was dancing around him now, shimmering like silver glitter in the air. She could see his breath as it left his lips, blowing softly into the air like morning fog.

“R-Rei… you’re... blowing steam…” Shinji gasped.

Rei moved closer to Shinji, her soft pink lips barely parting. She stared at his lips with the utmost intensity, watching as the fog left them. He gasped softly at her sudden closeness. She felt his breath, hot on her cheeks as he exhaled. Instinctively she reached out to him, lightly grazing his bottom lip with her index finger. The hot fog from his mouth spread out over her fingers and across her palm. Rei felt herself wet her own bottom lip. 

‘Rei…?’ Shinji thought staring down at her, feeling her cold finger tip lightly drift across his bottom lip as if it were a flower petal. 

He felt the blood rushing to his face. She was close enough to him that he could almost feel her body brush against his.  
Rei looked up at Shinji, making eye contact with him again. Her warm crimson eyes glowed like the slow burning embers of a fire. It was as if she were trying to speak to him with her eyes, with a look that Shinji did not recognize in Rei. Rei’s fingers slipped from his lips sliding down onto Shinji’s face, her hand cupping around his jaw, lightly caressing his cheek. Rei felt her own heart pounding in her chest, much faster than normal. Her chest felt tight, in a way that was almost uncomfortable. She felt an indescribable urge to melt into Shinji’s body then, as she had during Instrumentality--the urge to meld their individual forms into one being--to be as close to him as she could possibly be. 

‘Why do I feel this way?’ She asked herself. 

Staring into his deep, brown eyes she could see the reflection of her own, shimmering back at her in a possessive way. She felt that for the first time in a long time Shinji was staring directly into her eyes, as if staring into her soul. He wasn’t staring past her, lost in thought and passively accepting her presence, but instead was reading right into her. The feeling was invigorating--It lifted her soul from her body--it made her feel weightless. She felt herself leaning into him, sliding easily into his arms. She could feel the warmth of his body through his damp clothing. 

‘I want to be closer to you,’ She thought. ‘I want to become one with you.’

She tilted her head automatically to the side as she closed in on Shinji’s lips. Her soft, bud shaped lips softly brushed Shinji’s parted mouth. She felt him inhale sharply at the touch. A hot shock ran up Rei’s spine. She felt herself gasp and shiver at the feeling, deepening the contact between her and Shinji. Her lips fully pressed against his. She felt his mouth trembling slightly under hers. She felt his hesitation and nervousness, before he eventually gave into the kiss softening his lips against hers. A heat seemed to radiate from their contact and flow down into Rei’s body like a hot liquid. She felt Shinji’s hands tighten as they grasped her arms. She felt them slide across her back. She sighed internally, in a blissful response to the wonderful feeling it gave her. Everything about this contact was so familiar--as if they were two halves of the same soul. Rei’s hand slid down onto Shinji’s shoulder, the other hand gravitating to the small of his back. 

Rei felt herself pull away slowly after a moment, her lips parting slightly as they left his. She stared into Shinji’s eyes, which were soft but filled with questioning. They had this silent exchange for several moments before Shinji spoke. 

“Rei?” He whispered, so quietly that he almost simply mouthed the word.

She pulled away further, wordless in her response, and slowly turned her eyes away from him, staring down into her hands which fell against her waist. 

“I apologize,” She said, confused by her own words.

She felt as though she had taken advantage of him somehow, even though it had brought her great pleasure to do so. 

“No…” Shinji whispered. “I...I liked it. I was just surprised.”

Shinji stared down at his own hands, which were folded at his own waist, mirroring Rei’s. He was unsure of how to deal with himself in a situation such as this. His mind was in a confusing haze. Between Asuka, who had practically opened her body up to him and Rei who had just kissed him--gestures he had never expected from either of them in his wildest dreams--his mind was reeling hurriedly, trying to rationalize these situations somehow while completely avoiding the most obvious answers.  
He felt himself growing nervous as the implications of his actions settled into his mind. 

‘Why did Rei kiss me? Did I kiss her back? And...Asuka...she let me...I touched...but now, she’s mad at me again. What’s happening? I don’t understand any of these feelings…I thought I knew how I felt...how Rei felt and how Asuka felt about me...but, now I feel like I don’t know anything at all. I can’t look at them the same now as before...not after this. It’s unsettling. I’m uneasy... Someone please just tell me what the hell is going on.’

(To Be Continued...)


	14. The User and the Used

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei has kissed Shinji, Asuka gives Shinji an option.

Asuka was walking now, the snow lightly dusting her. She held the top of her arm as she walked. Her skin was raised with goosebumps and she was shivering, her wet hair dripping down her back. 

She saw two shrouded figures walking towards her in the distance--she didn’t even have to guess at who it was.

“Asuka!” Shinji shouted, he was smiling.

Asuka felt her insides flutter and become warm at the sight, but she suppressed the urge to smile.  
The three of them walked in silence back to the apartment. Shinji glanced at Asuka as he walked. He could see that her lips, which had turned white in the cold, were trembling slightly. Goosebumps lined her arms and legs. Occasionally her body would shake as she struggled to keep herself warm. Shinji wanted to reach out to her, wrap his arm around her, hold her close so that he could attempt to warm her with his body heat but he knew she was still mad at him and would likely just brush him off, despite being freezing. She refused to look at him as she walked, looking down and off to the side, while biting her bottom lip. 

‘I wonder what she’s thinking about,’ Shinji thought.

He felt someone’s cold, small hand, caress his arm.

“We’re here,” Rei said to him.

 

That night Asuka was lying in bed, still cold, curled in on herself. 

‘Shit, at this rate we will just freeze to death, there’s no heaters here. Is this winter or just the world freezing over from lack of sunlight?’ She thought. 

She peered over at the countertop, seeing the few food items left there.

‘And soon we will run out of food...and what then? We scavenge for more? But eventually the food will run out here--then what? We starve?’

She turned over feeling a knot forming in her stomach. She rubbed her hands together vigorously, blowing on them, in an attempt to warm them. Lost in thought, she looked over at the door to the apartment, which was cracked slightly, showing the darkness of the hallway. After several moments she pulled the covers back and slipped quietly off of the bed. Rei, who was sleeping on the couch a few feet away from her had seen as Asuka slipped out the door into the hallway, but said nothing.   
Asuka reached Shinji’s room and turned the knob, slowly opening the door. She closed and locked it behind her as she slid into the room. She walked over to his bed and pulled the covers back, slipping under them. Shinji gasped as he was awoken by the feeling of Asuka’s cold body brushing against his. He turned over and saw her, shrouded in her long copper red hair, lying beside him, curled in on herself. 

“Asuka…?”

“I’m cold,” she whispered.

Shinji laid still for a moment, unsure of what to do. Then, daringly, he put his arms out and wrapped them around Asuka, holding her tightly to his body. He felt her gasp under him, but she didn’t push him away. She buried her face into his shoulder, wrapping her own arm up around Shinji’s body, pressing him closer to her. She breathed in deeply, smelling the slight musk coming from his body. She felt herself tingling all over, the blood rising to her face and then, something unexpected happened--she started crying. At first, Shinji didn’t notice the hot tears that were soaking his shoulder, but heard Asuka gasping and felt her body shaking.

He opened his mouth to say something but then decided against it. Instead, he brought his hand up to the back of her head, and stroked it softly. The feeling only made Asuka cry more, clutching tighter to him. The last time she allowed herself to cry in someone’s arms was when her mother died. It felt so good, despite the pain. 

After a few moments her sobbing became quiet. Shinji could hear her sniffling and her breath shaking. She rubbed the side of her face against his shirt, her grip on him relaxing. 

“Can I stay here?” She barely whispered, her voice cracking.

Shinji smiled softly, squeezing her gently, but said nothing. After a few moments he whispered something into Asuka’s hair.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Asuka opened her eyes against his shoulder, her lips parting. She felt lost, like a child. For some reason in this moment, she felt more like herself than she’d felt in years. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be strong...feeling angry all of the time...feeling hurt by everything so trying to bury herself to keep from getting hurt...it was all so exhausting. She couldn’t place the warm feeling that burned in her chest. Asuka felt that for some reason Shinji’s words went further back than the pond. She felt like he was apologizing for every time he had ever wronged her, but instead of being happy with herself at it, it made her feel guilty. She thought about every time she had ever yelled at Shinji just because she was in a sour mood, or the times they had fought before impact. 

‘I have just as much to be sorry for as he does,’ she thought.

She wished they could go back in time and redo everything--take back everything she had ever said to him, erase all of the hurt and pain they had caused each other. 

‘We could have been happy,’ She realized. ‘But still, I'm embarrassed. It feels foreign, being like this. I've forgotten how to be happy or comfortable with myself and others.’

 

In his head, Shinji was trying to make sense of the situation. Why had Asuka come into his room again? Certainly it wasn’t just because she was cold; Shinji had thought she’d never talk to him again after what happened in the pond, though he still didn’t understand why she was mad at him. At the time, she had seemed to want exactly what Shinji had given her--she had practically begged him for it. 

‘Did she regret it afterwards?’ He thought. ‘But then why is she here now? She’s letting me hold her...I don’t know why she’s crying. I don’t know what to say. Is she crying because of me?’

“Asuka, I want to help you, but...I don’t know how.”

He felt her laugh softly under him, a bitter strangled sound. He braced himself, preparing for her remark. She sighed.

“You can’t help me...because I can’t help me. I don’t know what I need anymore or what I want, I thought I knew…”

Shinji felt a sharp pain in his chest, something akin to disappointment and rejection. They were both silent for a long moment, both very still in each other’s arms.

“Do you...care about me?” Asuka whispered.

Shinji felt the blood quickly fill his cheeks, his heart rate increasing, and a sudden nervousness overcome him. He hadn’t expected her to ask such a question and found himself caught off guard. He struggled for an answer. Did he care about her in the way that a friend did? The short answer was yes--he didn’t want to see her get hurt or die. He liked seeing her happy, it made him happy. But then, friends don’t finger other friends until orgasm or jerk off to their image. So, did he care about her as more than friends? But then what did that make him and Rei? He didn’t know.

“Yes…” he answered quietly, hesitantly.

Asuka wasn’t convinced. 

“Don’t lie to me. Do you like me or my body?”

He was silent.

“...Is it Rei?” She asked, her voice low and defeated.

Shinji looked down at Asuka, before glancing away from her quickly. Did Asuka know that had Rei kissed him? Before today, Shinji would have denied the claim completely, saying that Rei was not interested in him that way and that he also wasn’t interested in her. But he felt himself flush, thinking back to her kissing him. He felt guilty. 

“I don’t know…” He mumbled. 

Asuka felt her stomach drop and swallowed back the lump in her throat. So did Shinji like Rei after all? Maybe Rei wouldn’t let Shinji touch her for some reason, so Shinji was fulfilling his repressed sexual needs for Rei with Asuka. The idea disgusted her. 

“I don’t want to be used,” she admitted. 

Shinji looked down at her with a look of confusion and surprise. 

“Am I using you?” He said. “I...I thought you wanted what we did...you seemed to want it at the time.”

Asuka felt the blood rush to her face. She did want it at the time, but she also didn’t want to give Shinji the satisfaction of knowing that. She laughed, shaking her head.

“Ha...you’re so dense.”

They were silent. After a few moments Asuka’s voice cut through the silence again, low and threatening, like a deep growling.

“Shinji, I don’t share and I don’t play nice either. It’s me or her, you can’t have it both ways.”

(To Be Continued...)


	15. Endless Winter

A very bright light blinded Shinji as he opened his eyes, reflexively. For several moments he lay still, staring ahead, attempting to comprehend what he was seeing. A huge white moon beamed down at him, a familiar streak of red gashed across its surface. Snow fell like rain over the moon. 

‘Was I asleep?’ He thought. ‘There’s no concept of time in this world. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I’m alive or dead.’ 

He shivered and felt a warm weight shift in his arms. He gasped, looking down.  
He was met with a face full of honey-tinged ginger hair. She smelled sweet and clean—an indescribable but intoxicating aroma.  
For a moment he was confused by Asuka’s presence, that was until the memories of last night came flooding back into his mind. She was holding onto him so tightly, like she was trying desperately to suck the warmth from his body in her sleep.  
He smiled at her. She looked so different, so calm in her sleep. Despite her wounds, her face looked soft and feminine, her body pale and smooth, but he could tell she was becoming thinner, her bones protruding more than normal.  
He frowned feeling as though he were to blame for Asuka’s poor condition. 

“Mmmfh...hmm?” He felt Asuka mumble, stirring beneath him. 

She opened her eyes, blinking slowly. Her brows furrowed and she moved away from Shinji slightly.  
Shinji inhaled deeply, causing Asuka to focus her eyes up at him. She stared at him with one healthy blue eye, reflecting the harsh white light of the moon behind him, and one clouded white iris surrounded by red. Her cheeks glowed a soft pink as her facial expression morphed from one of confusion to one of embarrassment. 

“Wh-why are you still here?” She stuttered, sounding frustrated. 

“Uhm, A-actually you fell asleep in my bed Asuka..” Shinji answered sheepishly. 

She looked away, saying nothing. Shinji wondered what she was thinking about. She shivered, curling in on herself. 

“Are you cold?” Shinji asked. 

Asuka sighed, an exasperated sound. “Take a guess, Genius. It’s fucking freezing in here, of course I’m cold!” She answered.

Shinji jumped and muttered his apology to which Asuka rolled her eyes. 

“It’s snowing again,” Shinji said in a low voice, still facing Asuka but avoiding staring at her directly. 

Asuka gasped, “What, are you serious?” Pushing past Shinji with her one good arm and straining to see out the window behind him. 

The snow outside was falling faster and heavier than before. Asuka guaranteed the ground outside was covered in it now. 

‘Great, this is just what we need right now—the cherry to top it all off.’ She thought bitterly.

She tried to move back down onto the covers but she lost her balance and fell against Shinji. She winced, her wounded arm still painful and not healed.  
Shinji caught her reflexively. He felt an intense desire to pull her into his arms then, but he refused the notion, unsure of how she might react. He laid her onto her side as he mumbled another unnecessary apology. 

A long moment of silence stretched between them before Shinji broke it with a soft suggestion.

“We...we should get up.” 

“Why,” Asuka muttered, in a low, depressive voice. 

Shinji paused before responding, “It’s getting colder outside, we need more matches, wood, blankets…” 

Asuka groaned pushing herself upright on the bed. As sat up she almost fell again but when Shinji reached out to help her she glared at him. 

‘Always so determined to do everything herself,’ Shinji thought.

They made their way into the next room over where Rei should have been only, all they discovered there was an empty room. Shinji felt himself panicking slightly as he searched for Rei in vain. 

“We should go look for her,” he suggested.

When he turned to face Asuka he caught a glimmer of pain in her eyes for only a second, fading so quickly he wondered if he’d imaged it. A familiar mask of anger washed over her. 

“Why? If she wants to leave let her leave! I don’t care what first does…”

Shinji furrowed his brow, feeling himself growing frustrated, the anxiety rising.

“Asuka we have to go look for her! What if she’s lost or hurt?” 

Asuka narrowed her eyes, looking away. She crossed her arm over her body.

“Why should I care?” She growled.

Shinji felt exhausted dealing with Asuka’s resentment towards Rei. He tightened the fist at his side, clenching his teeth.

“Well you may not care but I do!” He turned for the door but stopped in the frame. “Besides,” He said in a quieter voice. “Every time something has happened to you Rei has stepped in to help you. You could at least return the favor.”

Asuka and Shinji stood quietly for a moment, a distance apart. Then, much to his surprise, Shinji heard Asuka slowly moving to meet him.  
He smiled briefly at her but she avoided meeting his gaze. 

After some time, the two of them made it outside, the cold wind slapping them viciously. The ground and wreckage was covered with a blanket of white. The snow had to be several inches deep. Feeling his own hair stand on end, Shinji stared down at Asuka. She was trembling, her hand tightly clutching her side, her jaw locked. She didn’t have a jacket or a blanket—her legs and arms exposed. 

‘At least I have long pants,’ Shinji thought, shivering. ‘Asuka can’t step in this snow, she’ll be freezing.’

“Asuka,” Shinji began, “Why don’t you stay here? I’ll go find you more clothes, find us some supplies...you’re not wearing enough for this weather. You could get really sick.”

Asuka sighed, seeming to be contemplating her options. “Fine, but you better come back fast…”

Asuka turned around, disappearing into the darkness of the hallway behind them. Shinji watched as she left before heading out into the snow. After only a short time of walking his legs were soaked and painfully cold. He was shaking violently and uncontrollably.

Out of the endless wade of snow a small building came into view in the distance. The building, half collapsed, was almost swallowed by the snow. 

‘Please let this have something,’ Shinji begged.

Finally, he approached it and crawled through the doorway. He nearly fell through the steep decline after the door way, stumbling onto a slick tile floor, untouched by snow. Much to his relief he could see that this store had, at one time, sold clothing. He walked to the front of the store and pulled several plastic bags out from behind the register. The items in the store were thrown everywhere and the ceiling was caved in by the corner of the room. 

Most of the clothing available before impact was summer clothes, since winter hadn’t occurred in over 10 years, but he was able to find a few jackets and long sleeved shirts. He stuffed blankets, socks, shoes, food, anything of use he could get his hands on into his bags until both arms were weighed down with supplies. As he moved to leave back through the door he came he heard what he thought was a soft moaning sound from behind him.

It sounded like a woman’s voice, strangled...weak.

He scanned the area, slightly spooked by the sound. Hesitantly he called out into the room.

“Hello?” 

He heard nothing. He furrowed his brow and stood, frozen in contemplation for a moment. Then, slowly he allowed himself to wander back through the room, searching for what could have made that sound, but also slightly afraid at what he might find. After several minutes of wandering and coming up with nothing he almost turned to leave when his eye caught the collapsed corner of the room—a pile of rubble and snow. He bit his bottom lip and carefully set his bags down on the floor. Wearily, he walked over to the corner. He stood for a moment before the collapsed ceiling, seeing a hole above him where snow was falling in. 

“Hello?” He repeated.

He waited for several more moments for a response before turning for the door again.

‘This is stupid,’ He thought. ‘I should stop wasting time and get back to Asuka—she’s waiting—and maybe Rei has even returned by now.’

Just as he bent down to pick up his bags he heard another soft, weak cry from behind him, directly behind him this time. He gasped dropping the bags and rushing over to the pile of rubble, pushing ceiling tiles out of the way. As he cleared the space, his hands grazed a lock of long dark hair. Shinji felt his heart leap in his chest as he discovered the person attached to that hair. A very familiar face laid against the ground, pale as the snow, cold as ice. His chest ached as he stared at her, a wave of memories and emotions overcoming him. The woman struggled to open her eyes.

Her eyes looked cloudy and she seemed to struggle focusing on anything. Then, she found Shinji and they locked eye contact for a moment. 

“Misato?” Shinji whispered, worry filling his voice. 

*

Asuka was back in the apartment room she shared with Rei, wrapped up in a bedsheet staring out the window. She looked down regrettably at her nub of an arm, which was still wrapped in plastic and gauze. She thought to herself about how much she had taken having two arms for granted before impact. 

The sound of the door opening behind her shocked her out of her thoughts. She jumped, turning and facing the door with a defensive posture. She relaxed a little realizing it was only Shinji returning. His arms were lined with plastic bags stuffed to the brim and his clothing was soaked with snow. He was wearing several jackets he must have scavenged from somewhere. But what surprised Asuka the most was that he held an unfamiliar limp body, wrapped in a blanket, in his arms. He was struggling to carry her—she was quite a deal larger than him. 

“Who—?” Asuka began, before Shinji laid the woman down carefully on the bed, the blanket falling away from her.

Asuka was shocked. The woman’s face, her clothes, her body...it was all so dirty and she had dried blood on her side. But Asuka unmistakably recognized her—her deep purple wavy hair, her soft facial features. Her mouth fell open. She reached out to touch her. Misato’s body was freezing to the touch. 

“Is...is she alive?” Asuka whispered.

“Barely,” Shinji answered. “I found her lying under a pile of rubble, how she got there and how her jacket got so far away last night I have no idea...maybe she was looking for supplies, same as us.”

Asuka studied the wound on Misato’s side.

“She needs new clothes, and a bath, probably medical care too but what she really needs is heat, she’s freezing,” Asuka murmured. “Do you have matches?”

“Yeah but what can I…?” Shinji began. 

“I’ll clear the bathtub out in the next room. Can you find a way to heat some water up?” 

“Uhm, sure...I’ll try.” 

*  
When Shinji returned to the apartment some time later he found Asuka fully clothed with Misato, who was dressed in nothing but a blanket. Asuka had another blanket over the two of them and was pressed as close to Misato’s body as she could be. 

“Wha-what are you doing?” Shinji squeaked, surprised by the sight. A very obvious blush spread across his face.

Asuka felt her face heating up too, realizing how strange this must look. “Her clothes were wet and cold—it was the best way to keep her warm okay? Don’t get any funny ideas! Do you have what I asked for?” 

Shinji stared at her dumbfounded for a moment before turning back to the doorway and retrieving a pot with steam rolling off of it. 

“But, it’s probably a little too hot right now…” he mumbled.

Asuka rolled her eyes. “Then go back outside and get some snow or something.”

“Uh yeah okay!” Shinji answered trying not to look in Misato’s direction. He almost left when Asuka screamed at him.

“Idiot! Get something to scoop it up with at least! What are you going to hold it with—your hands?” 

Shinji apologized, stumbled back in the room, grabbed a bowl and left. Asuka shook her head watching him leave, clumsily.

“Geeze, one naked woman and he completely loses his common sense. What an idiot.”

Asuka felt Misato stir from beside her and groan. 

‘Is she coming to?’ Asuka wondered. 

Asuka put a hand to Misato’s forehead. She was warm alright—maybe too warm. Asuka pulled the blanket away from Misato, focusing on the wound at her side. 

It looked like a bullet wound but there was no sign of a bullet and the wound was beginning to heal. Dried blood was created around the outside of it. 

‘I’ll have to clean this for sure…’ Asuka thought.

“Mm..A-Asuka?” A womanly voice came, low and hoarse. 

Asuka gasped, looking up at Misato with surprise. Misato struggled to keep her eyes open, trying to focus on Asuka. 

“Misato! Yeah, it’s me. Do you remember?” She said, feeling a pang of hope and happiness at the sound of Misato’s voice. She thought she would be upset having Misato back—the ‘adult’, bossing her around, telling her what to do—but instead she was just happy to see her. She felt akin to a long lost older sister. 

Misato didn’t answer, she sighed, closing her eyes again and resting on the bed.  
Asuka furrowed her brows, checking her forehead again with the back of her hand. 

‘I really hope you’re not getting sick, Misato,’ Asuka thought, biting her bottom lip.

Suddenly, Asuka heard the door knob behind her turn and she screamed, hurrying to cover Misato again. She turned and glared, red faced, at a very stunned looking Shinji. 

“Hey jerk! At least knock before you just barge in like that!” 

Shinji looked taken aback. “S-sorry…” he mumbled. “I brought what you asked for.”

Asuka crawled out of bed to inspect. Shinji was holding a bowl of white snow, his hands, holding the bowl, were red and wet. 

“Here give me that,” she grabbed the bowl and tucked it under her arm. “You take the pot of hot water and follow me to the bathroom.”

Asuka instructed Shinji to pour the hot water into the tub first. She frowned, seeing that it was hardly enough water to soak one’s feet in, let alone their whole body. 

“Where did you get that hot water from Shinji?” Asuka asked.

“The fire pit we made the other day...I just used that and took matches to it.”

“Is it still lit?” 

“Yes.”

Asuka flicked him hard on the face.

“Ow! What was that for?” Shinji whined, rubbing his face.

“You should never just leave a fire like that...especially one that’s inside! But this time I’ll let it slide since we need more hot water. You’re going to be making a couple trips.”

Shinji sighed and grabbed the empty pot, turning for the door again.

*  
After several trips they finally filled the bathtub up enough to bathe in. Asuka cooled it down slightly with snow. She went to retrieve Misato only realizing she couldn’t wake her up or lift her up. 

“Dammit!” She yelled, after dragging Misato halfway off of the bed. “If I had both of my arms this wouldn’t be a problem! Why is she so damn heavy?”

“Uhm, I could help,” Shinji cautiously suggested. 

Asuka stood by the bed for a moment, contemplating that option. She didn’t like accepting Shinji’s help or admitting she couldn’t do something by herself but she was left with very little choice at this point. 

“Okay, but don’t look at her,” Asuka answered finally, in a low voice.

“Uh, I’ll try not to,” Shinji said, sounding confused by his own statement.

Asuka watched him attempt to scoop up Misato without letting the blanket fall off of her, but as he struggled to flip her over the blanket slipped away exposing her entire chest. Asuka hurried to cover her again. She followed Shinji closely behind to the bathroom. Shinji stood over the tub, frozen in place, still holding Misato in his arms, wrapped in a blanket.

“Well? Help her into the tub!” Asuka ordered, sounding impatient. 

“Asuka, I can't just put her in there in a blanket, plus she can’t hold herself up. You’ll have to get in there with her.”

Asuka felt her face heating up. “What? You want me to just get in the tub with Misato while you watch? I bet you’d like that wouldn’t you, you pervert!” 

Shinji felt himself getting frustrated. “If you won’t do it I will! This is about Misato, Asuka! You were the one who suggested this, remember? She’d help you if you were in her situation! Just think about someone other than yourself for once!”

Asuka stared at Shinji, shocked. She was surprised by his sudden confidence and forcefulness. He sounded serious. Asuka looked away, sucking on her lips, holding her arm around her body.”

“Fine,” she murmured, “I’ll do it.”

Asuka slid her shorts off, her hands shaking. Somehow, this felt more strange than the times she had been naked before in front of Shinji—it felt like she was giving him a strip show, not to mention she was about to bathe with their former caretaker in front of him. The whole thing was very uncomfortable. She took a breath before pulling her shirt off, realizing she had nothing underneath it. Her breasts hit the cold air of the room, nipples tightening and her body lining with goosebumps. She shivered, standing in nothing but her underwear. 

Shinji didn’t move. Asuka glared up at him.

“What, were you waiting for more? I’m leaving my underwear on...this is too weird.” She growled.

Asuka tested the water in the tub. It was hot but not unbearable. Slowly, she slid into the tub, sitting on the bottom. Shinji unwrapped Misato from the blanket. Misato, groaned, starting to awaken again. 

“Wha…” she began.

“Sorry, Misato, you’ve just gotta get cleaned.. we will take good care of you, I promise.” Shinji said, lowering Misato into Asuka’s lap. 

Misato’s eyes fluttered open as she hit the warm water. She gasped in surprise. Asuka held Misato up, supporting her with her body. Asuka looked around the tub and then back to Shinji.

“Can you get some soap and maybe shampoo?” 

“Y-yeah sure!” He stammered.

He came back with a half used tube of body soap and shampoo. Asuka grabbed it and began using it to wash the soot, dirt and blood off of Misato. The bath turning a foggy, brownish color. Misato was barely awake, mumbling incoherent sentences. Asuka noticed after a moment that Shinji was still standing there staring at them. Her eyes started to travel downwards but then she stopped herself before his belt not wanting to see what easily could have been there. Her cheeks flushed a soft pink as she remembered grabbing him through his pants only several days before. She pushed the thought from her mind quickly. 

“Hey, pervert, a little privacy please? I’ll call you back in if I need you.”

Shinji shook his head, mumbling something Asuka couldn’t hear before leaving and closing the door behind himself. 

*

Misato had finally come to that night after Asuka and Shinji had redressed her and attended to her wound. They tried to get her to eat. She sat up in the bed, propped by pillows, awake but disoriented. She attempted to talk to Asuka and Shinji, at the very least recognizing them, but she seemed to be having trouble recalling anything. She even spent some time crying, though out of sadness or joy Asuka and Shinji didn’t know. 

“Someone should stay with her tonight,” Shinji suggested. 

“Why? Who’s gonna get her? Rei?” Asuka taunted. 

Shinji looked away at Asuka’s comment, not responding. Asuka felt a pang of jealousy and disappointment seeing Shinji react that way to hearing Rei’s name. She could tell he was still worried about her. Asuka did find herself wondering where the first child had gone off too and why she hadn’t come back but part of her didn’t want to find her. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she hoped maybe Rei was intentionally leaving them alone. The last thing Asuka wanted was someone to remind Asuka of her uselessness..someone prettier...someone less broken. 

“Whatever, I’m going to bed. She’ll be fine,” Asuka murmured, leaving for the other room. 

Shinji stared back at the door through which Asuka left as she disappeared into the dark hallway. His mind wandered back to their blue-haired comrade. He was worried about her. He didn’t know if she was alive or dead or why she had gone or where she had gone to. She hardly ever talked to him before making decisions and Asuka never seemed to care about anyone but herself. Trying to make Asuka do something for another person was like pulling teeth—it was always a painful struggle. Shinji wondered briefly if Rei had gone away because he was spending so much time with Asuka. 

‘No, she doesn’t feel that way...I’m over estimating it...right?’

Shinji sighed, looking to the window by the bed Misato laid in, now asleep. The snow was falling heavily again. He wondered if at some point this world would drown in snow.


End file.
